More Tests Scare . . . Again

So I got a call this morning from my doctor, who received the report from the 20 week ultrasound. She said one thing they found was what they call something like "coreoplastocysts" (I'm positive I'm spelling it wrong), which, as she explained it, are cysts around the brain where brain fluid comes from (whatever that means) and which is "very common and usually doesn't mean anything" but that when they take into account the results from my last tests she/they think that "something could be going on" (huh?). Also they didn't get as good a look at the heart as they'd usually like (how did that happen? I remember seeing the heart plainly myself) and they recommend further testing. Specifically a fetal echo ultrasound to examine the heart, which she recommends we get at Northwestern where the technology is better (what?) and they can also get a better look at the cysts and other organs they'd like to peek at more clearly. She says when there I can chat with one of their maternal-fetal specialists. And of course she brought up amniocentesis again and the spectre of downs syndrome, altho without any apparent basis. (None of the usual 7 markers for downs that they look for in the ultrasound.)

As usual this smacks of the usually-normal-but-you-never-know reasoning that we've been getting all along. And Ben and I don't want any more testing unless it is necessary. I'm upset and Ben is downright angry. Ben says she is fear mongering. I suspect she is following procedures, that the medical establishment has the fear mongering worked in automatically. But she's going right along with the program. We want a second opinion and we want someone who can help us to make sense of these things.

And I just feel overwhelmed. I go back and forth between happy expectancy and dreamy baby window-shopping, to deep anxiety and a feeling of being . . . lost. And I just last night saw this program that explained how anxiety in the mother releases chemicals that effect the emotional development of the baby, and of the heart/blood pressure's development (as the fight-or-flight chemicals initiate an artificial racing of the baby's heart). I suspect this is doing more harm than good. But how do I calm down? Maybe tears will give the baby some endorphins. I don't know.

This has firmed up my resolve to change doctors and hospitals and attitudes of the caregivers as well. Maybe I need a midwife and a doula. But I've got to act now. And I don't know. I've got bills to pay, projects to keep up with at work, repairs to do at home, and a toddler to chase. Never mind the constant state of our dishes and other chores that never get done and contribute to my feeling of chaos and not being in control of anything. I've got to get over this and think straight. I've got to focus. How to focus . . .

I've got a couple of friends to call, who went through similar things. One of them very much so, and put a stop to the testing. Maybe she can help me get my head on straight, give me some reassurance. I am half way through my pregnancy. It's time to make it a better experience than it has been. It's just not right, how it's been.