This Dream Makes No Sense

This one is really weird:

Okay so last night I dreamed I was due to give birth, and we were at the hospital, but Ben and I didn't want to do the induction thing again, so we left against doctor's orders. There was a weird sequence where I took a shower in a big shower room shared with other women in the hospital, and it was really nice and comforting, but did not get the labor going (why would it I don't know). So anyway, we went out to this park and friends came by to say "hi." My best friend since junior high, Jennifer, shows up but she's in some kind of bondage outfit and a dominatrix has her on a leash and won't let me hug her. I notice her car keys on the ground and try to serrupticiously drop them in her pocket but miss, and the dominatrix gets them. Then I notice a tall, handsome Asian man, probably Japanese, with long long gorgeous black hair and suddenly he kidnaps me from the park. Ben and the police try to find us but he's taken me to a theater, a really nice one, in his home, where people are watching a film. Some kind of educational documentary. Everyone there is Japanese. I hold a small child on my lap for a while, who embarrasses himself by messing his pants (in an adult way-ahem), but I clean him up and tell him "good job!" so he won't feel so badly about it. My kidnapper is attentive and wants me to stay with him forever, but I want to get back to Ben and Tyler. He doesn't care that I'm pregnant, he says we can raise the child together. He wants to be intimate but, even tho he's very attractive, I resist him. Besides, I'm huge with pregnancy. Then I go into labor. The contractions aren't too bad yet. I distract him by making out with him a little bit, also as a sympathy prize because I tell him I need the hospital and I won't stay with him. He lets me go, but doesn't help me to find Ben. I walk out, not knowing where I am, and in labor to boot. Somehow I find Ben and I cry on his shoulder about my abduction, but I refuse to press charges. We go back to the hospital to have the baby but then I am woken up from the dream.

Rush the Smelling Salts

Well yesterday I had a scare when my heart started pounding and refused to stop, and I got dizzy. It would get a little better and then come back. Hit me in the late afternoon and went all night, and it was uncomfortable. Thought about the ER, even! Read up on preeclampsia for a good scare in the What To Expect book, and blamed my blood pressure.

Course I rush to the doctor's today and they tell me my bp is normal! Sheesh. (I mean, it's a little high but with the medication I'm taking, Aldomet, it's normal.) It's still going on today, of course. They say it's because my blood has doubled by now and some pregnancies you can feel it like this, almost like heart palpitations, they say. And yes, that's what it feels like. And when you lie still, you can feel the blood rushing thru your body.

What to do to alleviate this? Drink more water. Stand up slowly, don't rush around. Be very very strict with caffeine and salt. That's about it.

I'm not pleased but their descriptions fit what I'm feeling. I wish I had more comfort measures for this!

Dreaming of the Baby (A Dream Journal)

I've begun to dream about the baby. I should have shared the first one when it happened, because now I don't remember the exact day it was, but I think it was just last week.

Dream 1 (last week):

I'm going through the labor, and it's a boy! He has brown hair and very round eyes and chubby cheeks. One problem: his foreskin is attached to his abdomen and has to be corrected. They say his penis is underdeveloped and offer surgery to make him a girl. I don't like the idea. I'm holding him and talking to him, he's beautiful.

Dream 2 (end of last week):

It's a girl! My mother and a group of aunts disapprove of my name choice, however, and write in a name of their choice on the birth certificate. I discover this after being home, and make a trip back to the hospital to try to catch the paperwork before it gets sent to the county. The women are following me, trying to talk me out of it. In the entrance I'm caught up in some kind of line of people however that turns out to be a jury duty line, and no-one believes me that I'm not on jury duty and some bouncers force me to stay. The judge in charge turns out to be a vampire queen and I have to do battle with her. At this point I learn I have super powers and can fly. I fly up to her secret hideout in the rafters of the building and steal her diary. In a big battle worthy of the Spiderman movies, the vampire queen traps me in a net over the building because she's learned my secret flying ability, and captures me and weighs me down. Turns out they have a friend of mine in custody who betrayed me to them, and they've cut his legs off at the knees, and are thinking of doing it to me. I get a visit from the group of family women (who are caring for the baby in my absence) and this time Grandma is with them. (This is the Grandma Guest I just lost.) Grandma is so vibrant! She shines, in a bright red sweater, and shining silver hair and flushed cheeks. I slip the diary to her and urge her in whispers not to tell a soul, but take it to a newspaper and police out of town since the local authorities are in the vampire queen's pocket. I wake up missing Grandma terribly. And mysteriously frustrated with my mom.

Dream 3 (last night):

It's a girl, again! But she is premature. She's so tiny, so precious, thin and fetal-looking but also very beautiful. I'm so proud and I am holding her and feeding her with a special dropper/bottle thing. She is so delicate. I'm just all aglow. I'm going to bring her to work to show her off to my coworkers, and when I get in the car the new regulations are that she rides in a little basket outside the car window (perhaps a better way of showing "baby on board"??). I worry about her and reach over to her little hand while driving, and it is so little and fine-featured and soft... But she reacts to my touch and wiggles, and the wind catches her and throws her up against the window. So I'm trying to lower the window, slow the car while in traffic, and grab her and bring her inside the car safely, all at the same time. I wake up in a cold sweat of anxiety.

Dream 4 (after falling back asleep last night after the last dream):

Ben and I are getting ready for bed, we're living in the house I grew up in, in Decatur Illinois. Suddenly we remember that we were supposed to report to the hospital for me to be induced that afternoon at 3pm, and we're hours late! We rush around trying to pack, and I can't find anything. I'm searching for my robe, and the baby clothes I've picked to take to the hospital. Ben is looking for the infant car seat. We wake my mom, who is living in a room across the hall. Suddenly the lights go out. I can't tell if I'm blind or if there's just no light. In every room I flip the switch and nothing happens. I panic.

In-Law's Visit Spoiling Me

Mike and Madalen have been here to stay and it's been spoiling me. They play with Tyler and he just loves them, while I can do dishes or sit and watch, it's great. Mike carries Tyler upstairs for me for diaper changes, and takes him out for walks and to the park while Madalen and I rest and bond. It's been a great weekend. Lots of great talks and sharing about parenting, politics, books, everything. And I haven't really had to cook at all, they've been so gracious about my muffle-headed dinner planning! We haven't even really gone out anywhere or done anything particularly special or touristy, just been together, which was perfect.

Adding to the Fun

Adding to the fun, we now welcome charlie-horses, further joint loosening, carpal tunnel acting up, and lesser lung capacity. Returning stars to the show are heart burn, nose-bleeds, morning dry heaves, peeing when I sneeze, headaches, and insomnia.

Just thought the world would want to know. Heh.

P.S. The charlie-horses are really weird. I had them in my feet, even! All over! I'm doing stretches to help soothe weird spots, like back of thighs and butt muscles! Well, it's weird to me, anyway.

P.P.S. The Metamusil is working. Just thought you couldn't live without knowing that. Heh heh heh.

Making Moves on Other Hospitals

Okay, we have appointments to tour the labor & delivery units at Loyola and at Prentice Women's Hospital in the city. Both L&D units boast two on-staff lactation consultants, and I've spoken to one of each set about the kind of care I can expect at each place. I do think however that I want my own consultant hired privately, someone to do housecalls. The lact consults seem great, but they claim to have trained the nurses for initial bedside help, and that was the case last time, and I had a terrible time with all the nurses giving conflicting instructions. So "the nurses are great" doesn't cut it with me. And I might still do a doula. There is an Oak Park doula who comes highly recommended, and has an impressive website, but her big thing is hypnotherapy for a drug-free birth. But remembering the extreme pain doesn't encourage me that hypnosis is going to work. And I'm gettin' that epidural I've no doubt. A friend's doula does massage therapy, and that's much more my speed. I'm calling her next. (Thanks Amanda!) Thinking back over my experience at West Sub, it would have been nice to have an advocate to step in for us when Ben and I were dealing with all that was happening. I have one recommendation for a doc at Prentice, and she is covered by my insurance. I have a list of docs that deliver at Loyola that are covered too, but no recommendations yet. I see the same one that delivered Tyler on the list--not the one I'm seeing now, but at the same practice, who was the one on call when I finally got to pushing. I'm not sure about her. She's not much different from the doc I've got now. I don't know yet if doulas or lactation consultants are covered by my insurance. If not, this might be an expensive birthing.

A Plague of Headaches

As I remember last time the headaches cleared as soon as I got a hold on my diet and sugar intake for gestational diabetes. I've had the same headache, sometimes fading then coming back each day or several times a day, since last Saturday. I don't mean this past weekend, I mean a full week ago. Yesterday, after eating an individual pizza, it spiked so bad my teeth hurt. Today is better so far. Being more careful. I think it's time to start the finger prick and food diary routine. And let the doc do another GD test.

I've been obsessed with pizza. But I remember last time pizza was one thing that always sent my numbers skyrocketing. Anyway, think I will have to make it by hand with whole wheat crust and sugar free tomato sauce. Like I do my pasta sauce. When will I have time for such cooking? The pasta sauce I do in a big batch and freeze. Possibly the blandest, most boring sauce on the planet, but I love it. And so does Tyler!

Terrible Two's Officially Begin

We celebrated Tyler's 2nd birthday on Sunday, which began with a full-out screaming tantrum. He didn't want to change his diaper or get dressed, he wanted to go straight from crib upstairs to juice and waffles downstairs. Threw himself on the floor, crying for the waffles, wouldn't listen to negotiation or reason, kicked and screamed right off the changing table. It was amazing.

Next poor kid got his hand accidentally smooshed in a baby gate (I've never felt so guilty!) and it took him all morning to recover. Very moody, and he talked about the bad gate for a long time. After a long nap his hand appeared normal and he used it fine and seemed emotionally recovered.

Nana and Gampa's arrival boosted his spirits and he was pleased to pronounce Michelle's name properly over lunch. And he loved the carrot cake I made him (just like the cake Pooh and Rabbit share). However, it took only about 4 presents for him to totally lose it again.

He was so sweet, actually shaking with excitement opening presents, when he'd see a new construction vehicle toy under the wrapping paper, and do a little anxious dance while Daddy-O extracted the items from their vice-like boxes. But as each new toy presented a new challenge: the train cars unsnap from each other when he picks it up ("broken! ahhhhh!"); the bulldozer scoop won't stay down on the ground... as each time he was frustrated or couldn't get something to work on the first try he spiralled step by step down into a kind of toddler mania. I mean, we were there helping him, explaining things and showing him like we usually do, but he still grew very upset. At the end he was beside himself--playing with the bulldozer made him cry, me taking the bulldozer and hiding it made him cry. Finally a walk around the block with Daddy-O and Gampa calmed him down, sans toys of any kind!

FYI, Monday, his actual birthday, was great. Very low key, and he worked with his new toys with equinimity, and played with his Daddy-O on the floor while I fixed dinner. Very sweet, very domestic bliss. So there's that.

But, man, Sunday. That was rough. I was tearful myself. I cried about smashing his hand. I cried about not getting the house clean enough, about feeling incapable of doing much in my state. I cried that guests were late, and no other children came (tho I suspect that was a good thing in the end), and cried that I didn't give Tyler a proper party in my effort to keep attendance extremely low and stress-free (as compared to his traumatic big bash last year). I really have to wonder if, had I not been pregnant, would I have been able to handle all this much better. My guess is that yes, I could have. I ended up crying that I should have waited longer to have another baby, for Tyler's sake. That I'm in no condition to cope with a child throwing tantrums and getting moody. That I'm doing him a disservice.

I feel better today. As does Tyler. And in my head I know perfectly well that Tyler is a fine age to get a little brother or sister, that his frustrations and tantrums are completely normal (I read up on it), and that it's better to get through all of this, get the baby-making over with, and once I have the baby I will eventually regain my composure, and it will be great to have an addition to the family and all of this will be worth it.

What really amazes me is Ben's calm nature and ability to soothe and take charge when his family is just falling apart in tears around him. In a crisis there is no-one better. He is my rock, and a great boon to Tyler, who responds to him and is calmed and reassured by him and I think feels very secure to have a parent to be solid and unruffled by a tantrum. He's good for him. And I'm so grateful.

I'd lose my head otherwise. And I'm not sure I haven't already lost my head anyway! "Maybe that's not her head..." (yes, that's TMBG!)

Sleepus Interruptus

I'm just totally dead today. All week I can't get enough sleep. I put Tyler to bed at 8, then go to bed myself, and my alarm at 6:30 a.m. I keep sleeping through. I get up at least once to pee, and often lay awake for an hour with insomnia afterwards. Sometimes my left hip aches and wakes me. I drink a lot of water all night, waking up parched. It's exhausting! I'm afraid I wasn't very impressive in a meeting this morning at work. I can't think very well thru this headache, and my left hip is still in peices, sending pain down my left leg. And I keep tearing up for no apparent reason.

Wow, reading this back, this sounds terrible. Oh, well. I may take off the afternoon and lie down.

Ultrasound Photos Finally Ready

This link will take you to the spot on my blog where I've been meaning to place the ultrsounds photos:

Click on this text to see the 20-week ultrasound photos

Order Wrong, Now Starving

Okay so I'm a spoiled American. But I had a craving and went by the Taco Bell drive-through for a bean burrito with extra cheese and added sour cream. Yeah, yeah, I know it's not healthy. Anyway, I get back to work and there's no cheese and no sour cream, but a 30 cent charge for each listed on the receipt!!! I'm going to cry. I cannot leave work to get it fixed. After work I must go straight to day-care to get Tyler and that's no joke. Shall I save the cold burrito and receipt for tomorrow for a new one? Is that crazy? What if I don't want another tomorrow? Do I demand my 60 cents back, spending just as much in gas just to go over there? Man, I tell you. It was this way with the first pregnancy. World, let me tell you this: if you see a pregnant woman ordering food in your establishment, you'd better get it right, if you don't want to cause a tearful, broken-hearted or angry response in your admitedly crazy patron. Okay? So cut it out. Put the freakin' cheese and sour cream on the thing in the first place!!!!!

Lovely Labor Day Weekend

Had a great weekend just doing family things. Biking turned out fine, guess I have to be farther along to worry about that. Tho it was tiring and I didn't get too far--maybe 4 miles. Took Tyler everywhere, biking, out to eat with friends, over to Nana & Gampa's, out and about in Oak Park. And the best part was that I had Ben with me the whole time! He is such a great helpmate with Tyler, and changed almost every diaper this weekend!

Tyler Has Named Baby

Tyler now regularly checks my growing belly, pats it, and says hello. I'm still not so sure he understands that there's a baby in there, but he has a nickname of his own for whatever-it-is in there: Scumby, or sometimes Scumbly. Isn't that cute???