That Cough Going Around

These past weeks I've been distracted and very tired, and I've neglected the blog. Earlier in the month a headcold worked its way through the family, then Ben just sort of stayed sick, or it developed, or something, into something else. He got this dry hacking cough that was worse at night, and I am coughing a bit and Tyler has struggled with the cough, too, a few nights, though not nearly as bad. Poor Ben. And poor me. I had to move out into the guest room. Reason being that the guest room is right next to Tyler's room and that way Ben would not keep him up, either, and I could hear Tyler through the wall. (And vice versa.)

I feel terrible about sending Ben out into the windy cold to rake the leaves on Sunday last. Monday was the last pick-up day for leaves on our block, so everybody was out Sunday raking leaves. It was fun, in a freezing kind of way, because we could say hello and chat with neighbors. The best part of having friendly neighbors is chatting over hedges during yardwork. I love saying "hi" to Amanda and Byron to the south, and seeing their kids Harry (3 yrs) and Marion (4 months). I put a baby gate up on the porch and Tyler and I came out to play with his garbage truck (Tyler) and hang solstice lights up around the porch (Mom-Mom) and make the wind chimes sound (back to Tyler) and yell over the porch wall to Daddy-O.

Tyler needs some toy garden implements this spring, including a rake. We were about to venture out into the yard when a freezing rain started. Ben was "almost" done with the front yard, had already finished the back yard, so finished up before coming in. He got soaked, and came in shivering. He changed then collapsed in bed for a short nap, and woke up with a fever. That night the cough was worse than ever, and on Monday he called in sick. I was so worried that it was strep or walking pneumonia, but he breathes just fine and his tongue is fine. I found him a doctor to call but he felt it wasn't necessary, and there's no convincing him. Anyway, several people I've talked to have had a dry night cough too that lasted a long time (up to a month), so there's something going around. I took Tyler in to day-care early Tuesday so Ben could stay in bed, and drove everybody to day-care/work Wednesday. By now Ben's back at work and no longer coughs at night, but I'm very protective of him.

Unfortunately, now Nana and Gampa seem to be sick, but we can't tell yet that it's the same thing. Friend Michelle and family also all sick with headcold symptoms. I hope they didn't get it from us. It's an icky season!

I began to feel really desperate this past week, because there's so much to do around the house and I felt entirely incapable of tackling anything. I'm so tired, and have been so worried about Ben, and had to care for Tyler, including when he coughed himself awake at night, and my back kills me when I do dishes so I neglect them, and the laundry, and bending over to pick up anything is a major challenge. And there's furniture I want moved around and the x-mas tree brought up and everyone is too busy to come help. I draw nearer and nearer to having this baby and I don't feel prepared. It's too easy to get negative about things when I feel this way.

What cheers me up--the only thing--is throwing myself into being very loving to Tyler. So much so that he's come to expect me to stroke his hair or cheek with my fingertips in quiet moments, and we do a lot of reading and singing, which the baby also seems to enjoy. So, there's the silver lining.

Poor Ben, tho: I expect he'd like into that silver lining, too. It's just so hard for me, my emotions are all over the place and I have so many aches and pains that I'm very irritable, especially when I do my best to be even-keeled both at work (with mixed success) and for Tyler's sake especially, that I don't have much left for Ben. He feels terribly neglected. I come home and I don't want to be breathed on nor touched, and my temper is short and unpredictable. But this is I think the way it is with pregnancy. For me, or most commonly I'm willing to bet. We make sacrifices and compromises and hope that our marriage and family is strong enough to take it, you know? Seems as if there are others who seem to live in a la la la perfect life, but that's no one I know well, nor want to know. As one of my favorite poets said, if this is what it is to be human, to experience a full life, then I'm willing to muscle through it. (Lucille Clifton, whose daughter died of cancer, and who came to read from her new (then) book, Blessing the Boats.)