Speaking of sorry, I'm sorry I haven't kept up with the blog through those three months. I can say a little bit here. I did have some post partum depression but it would come and go and eventually faded. Physically I felt great. I didn't tear, so it was no time before I felt up and about and good about it. Despite this, I was not 100% in the romance catagory, as far as bouncing back! Ahem! My biggest physical problem was my back. I felt as if it no longer really worked. It hurt, and I had a big lump where the epidural had been. I slumped over a lot and would have to work to sit up straight, it was like my back just didn't work anymore. I begged numerous back rubs from Ben, and struggled to support my back while I worked on getting nursing down (that's another subject altogether). Also, I kept getting odd cold touches on my body, mostly my legs, which my doctor said was a sign of spinal irritation. It felt exactly like a small dog had put a cold, wet nose on my leg for a moment. Then I would feel it and nothing would be there. It has faded to being almost entirely gone, so I don't need the neurological tests he said I might need if it didn't clear up on its own. Tho I still get it sometimes.
Megan also had a rough first few days, (tho not as rough as Tyler had it). She was jaundiced from the hematoma and from her slow start at nursing, altho she was never deprived of milk, we made sure of that. The first week saw daily and then weekly visits to either doctor or hospital for blood bilirubin level testing and weight measuring, and poor thing, you should see her feet (that's where they prick to draw blood). She got dangerously close to a measure of 20, at which point they would've had to put her under lights, but she backed off from that, and by 9 weeks her hematoma and most of the jaundice were gone.
Mommy-baby yoga is great, and Megan is the most active, vocal, hungry, and needs the most diaper changes, than any other baby in class. The idea is, you bring your baby to yoga, and you can stop and nurse or walk or change diapers anytime during class. It's a very gentle way of getting back to the outside world. The first session was a class of all girls! The one I'm in now, all the moms have two kids like I do. All the other moms are so nice and friendly. At first, with how active Megan is, I felt frustrated that I couldn't do many of the yoga poses. After time passed I began to see some of the other babies wake up and be more demanding, so that was good. At least then I wasn't the only one. Now she is still the most active, I don't know why. But I make a play/roll area for her next to me and she practices rolling and grabbing things and puts stuff in her mouth and watches the instructor. It's a real pleasure. It's a special time for me and for being just with her too. It's really my only time getting out on my own.
Speaking of getting out, during maternity leave I had terrible cabin fever. At first it was rough. Tyler would get stirred up, trapped inside with terrible, freezing weather outside. I was always it seemed "stuck under Megan," as Tyler and I say, on the couch, and felt just so frustrated to be unable to do anything in the home or with Tyler or effect any positive change in my own environment. I lived for the time when Ben would come home, and he often came home to poopie diapers waiting for him to change or an overtired boy who needed bedtime, and me with a very demanding baby. My Aunt Sharon came to stay and help, and that was a highlight of this early time. She was entirely nonjudgemental about my attempts and sometimes failures to nurse, and the messy condition of the house and my own unshowered state. She cooked for us, and brought me a happy ally and confidant during those early days. She also brought a DVD of the Disney/Pixar movie Cars as a gift for Tyler (my suggestion--he liked the movie when he saw it once at daycare as a treat on Luka's birthday). So I have "watch car tv" multiple times, sometimes once or twice a day. While I'm not proud to have used TV in this way, it has saved my sanity. Luckily it's a great film with great music (we've since got the soundtrack and "play car music") and great messages. We have weaned him from watching it so often now, btw.
Tyler is a great big brother. He was still watching Cars when Mike and Madalen came to visit and meet Megan, and I was still on leave, but things were better by then. I was nursing successfully then, for one thing, without all the accoutrements. Tyler has his ups and downs, but then again he is 2 and a half. At first he was thrown by the introduction of the new baby, and he gave me some heartbreaking looks of betrayal sometimes. Going back to Sheila at day-care got him back on track to normalcy, but then she quit to go be a nanny and earn more, so we now share a nanny with a boy from day-care, Luka, and his parents. A very expensive playdate, kind of like. Tyle had some bad days in there, poor thing, but he is really changing in the right direction now. He grows and blossoms in spurts and jumps, and amazes us all the time. He likes to hold Megan (supervised, on the couch), and grab her and poke her if he can get away with it, and has even brought her a car toy once or twice. He talks about her and announces when she's crying, and protectively tried to defend her by pushing away the pediatrician on one visit! (Dr. Mercola seems to really like him.) Only sometimes he will want her off my lap to make room for himself, but that's an issue less and less for him.
Throughout I have tried my very best to memorize as much of these moments as possible. Megan is very special, and I will never have a baby like this again (that's the plan anyway). She's nothing like Tyler was. She's much more spit-up-y, and poopie (is she ever!), and in general messy and wet. She's a loud talker as she sqawks like an angry cat when she's excited. She's chubbier than Tyler was, and sweetly so. She has round rosebud lips. She's clingy where he was independant, and she's accepted a sling, and wants to sleep on me all night if she can. She doesn't want to be put down, ever. But she does like the swing, and her tummy-time.
I can't get enough of her, I'm so in love. After a period of estrangement--it was subtle--from Tyler, I am back to kissing his cheeks as much as I can again, and also hers, which are nice and soft and chubby. I had such baby hunger (that's what they call it) toward the end of my pregnancy, it feels so good to fulfill my desires to hug her as much as I can. To touch her little toes, to hold her as her head wobbles around and she looks around the room with a look of "wow." Those quick little breaths babies do when their excited, or when they're trying to do something and are flailing their arms around trying to control them and grab something. It was hard to come back to work, but as everything else a necessary transition to make. So I rush home to her every night and enjoy my kids as much as I can. Kiss her and hug her and breathe her in, try to memorize her, these moments. And never take them for granted.
* * * * *
These Are Days by Natalie Merchant
these are days you'll remember
never before and never since, I promise
will the whole world be warm as this
and as you feel it, you'll know it's true
that you are blessed and lucky
it's true, that you are touched by something
that will grow and bloom in you
these are days you'll remember
when May is rushing over you with desire
to be part of the miracles you see in every hour
you'll know it's true, that you are blessed and lucky
it's true, that you are touched by something
that will grow and bloom in you
these are the days
that you might fill with laughter
until you break
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