Oh Pregnancy Schmegnancy!

Megan & Me

2008-04-25T14:17:00.000-07:00

The Fourth Trimester

2008-04-25T11:48:00.000-07:00

They say that the first three months of your baby's life are like a fourth trimester, and I whole-heartedly agree. It's no coincidence that my maternity leave was three months long. If there's one thing we can thank Bill Clinton for, it's the family medical leave act. I came back to work and now Ben is home with Megan for his leave, as it applies to moms, dads, adoptive parents, or anyone coping with a family medical emergency or ailing aging parent. Maybe Bill was looking forward to Chelsea's turn at coping with his future hospice care! Whoa, dark, Val. Sorry.

Speaking of sorry, I'm sorry I haven't kept up with the blog through those three months. I can say a little bit here. I did have some post partum depression but it would come and go and eventually faded. Physically I felt great. I didn't tear, so it was no time before I felt up and about and good about it. Despite this, I was not 100% in the romance catagory, as far as bouncing back! Ahem! My biggest physical problem was my back. I felt as if it no longer really worked. It hurt, and I had a big lump where the epidural had been. I slumped over a lot and would have to work to sit up straight, it was like my back just didn't work anymore. I begged numerous back rubs from Ben, and struggled to support my back while I worked on getting nursing down (that's another subject altogether). Also, I kept getting odd cold touches on my body, mostly my legs, which my doctor said was a sign of spinal irritation. It felt exactly like a small dog had put a cold, wet nose on my leg for a moment. Then I would feel it and nothing would be there. It has faded to being almost entirely gone, so I don't need the neurological tests he said I might need if it didn't clear up on its own. Tho I still get it sometimes.

Megan also had a rough first few days, (tho not as rough as Tyler had it). She was jaundiced from the hematoma and from her slow start at nursing, altho she was never deprived of milk, we made sure of that. The first week saw daily and then weekly visits to either doctor or hospital for blood bilirubin level testing and weight measuring, and poor thing, you should see her feet (that's where they prick to draw blood). She got dangerously close to a measure of 20, at which point they would've had to put her under lights, but she backed off from that, and by 9 weeks her hematoma and most of the jaundice were gone.

Mommy-baby yoga is great, and Megan is the most active, vocal, hungry, and needs the most diaper changes, than any other baby in class. The idea is, you bring your baby to yoga, and you can stop and nurse or walk or change diapers anytime during class. It's a very gentle way of getting back to the outside world. The first session was a class of all girls! The one I'm in now, all the moms have two kids like I do. All the other moms are so nice and friendly. At first, with how active Megan is, I felt frustrated that I couldn't do many of the yoga poses. After time passed I began to see some of the other babies wake up and be more demanding, so that was good. At least then I wasn't the only one. Now she is still the most active, I don't know why. But I make a play/roll area for her next to me and she practices rolling and grabbing things and puts stuff in her mouth and watches the instructor. It's a real pleasure. It's a special time for me and for being just with her too. It's really my only time getting out on my own.

Speaking of getting out, during maternity leave I had terrible cabin fever. At first it was rough. Tyler would get stirred up, trapped inside with terrible, freezing weather outside. I was always it seemed "stuck under Megan," as Tyler and I say, on the couch, and felt just so frustrated to be unable to do anything in the home or with Tyler or effect any positive change in my own environment. I lived for the time when Ben would come home, and he often came home to poopie diapers waiting for him to change or an overtired boy who needed bedtime, and me with a very demanding baby. My Aunt Sharon came to stay and help, and that was a highlight of this early time. She was entirely nonjudgemental about my attempts and sometimes failures to nurse, and the messy condition of the house and my own unshowered state. She cooked for us, and brought me a happy ally and confidant during those early days. She also brought a DVD of the Disney/Pixar movie Cars as a gift for Tyler (my suggestion--he liked the movie when he saw it once at daycare as a treat on Luka's birthday). So I have "watch car tv" multiple times, sometimes once or twice a day. While I'm not proud to have used TV in this way, it has saved my sanity. Luckily it's a great film with great music (we've since got the soundtrack and "play car music") and great messages. We have weaned him from watching it so often now, btw.

Tyler is a great big brother. He was still watching Cars when Mike and Madalen came to visit and meet Megan, and I was still on leave, but things were better by then. I was nursing successfully then, for one thing, without all the accoutrements. Tyler has his ups and downs, but then again he is 2 and a half. At first he was thrown by the introduction of the new baby, and he gave me some heartbreaking looks of betrayal sometimes. Going back to Sheila at day-care got him back on track to normalcy, but then she quit to go be a nanny and earn more, so we now share a nanny with a boy from day-care, Luka, and his parents. A very expensive playdate, kind of like. Tyle had some bad days in there, poor thing, but he is really changing in the right direction now. He grows and blossoms in spurts and jumps, and amazes us all the time. He likes to hold Megan (supervised, on the couch), and grab her and poke her if he can get away with it, and has even brought her a car toy once or twice. He talks about her and announces when she's crying, and protectively tried to defend her by pushing away the pediatrician on one visit! (Dr. Mercola seems to really like him.) Only sometimes he will want her off my lap to make room for himself, but that's an issue less and less for him.

Throughout I have tried my very best to memorize as much of these moments as possible. Megan is very special, and I will never have a baby like this again (that's the plan anyway). She's nothing like Tyler was. She's much more spit-up-y, and poopie (is she ever!), and in general messy and wet. She's a loud talker as she sqawks like an angry cat when she's excited. She's chubbier than Tyler was, and sweetly so. She has round rosebud lips. She's clingy where he was independant, and she's accepted a sling, and wants to sleep on me all night if she can. She doesn't want to be put down, ever. But she does like the swing, and her tummy-time.

I can't get enough of her, I'm so in love. After a period of estrangement--it was subtle--from Tyler, I am back to kissing his cheeks as much as I can again, and also hers, which are nice and soft and chubby. I had such baby hunger (that's what they call it) toward the end of my pregnancy, it feels so good to fulfill my desires to hug her as much as I can. To touch her little toes, to hold her as her head wobbles around and she looks around the room with a look of "wow." Those quick little breaths babies do when their excited, or when they're trying to do something and are flailing their arms around trying to control them and grab something. It was hard to come back to work, but as everything else a necessary transition to make. So I rush home to her every night and enjoy my kids as much as I can. Kiss her and hug her and breathe her in, try to memorize her, these moments. And never take them for granted.

* * * * *

These Are Days by Natalie Merchant

these are days you'll remember

never before and never since, I promise
will the whole world be warm as this
and as you feel it, you'll know it's true
that you are blessed and lucky
it's true, that you are touched by something
that will grow and bloom in you

these are days you'll remember

when May is rushing over you with desire
to be part of the miracles you see in every hour
you'll know it's true, that you are blessed and lucky
it's true, that you are touched by something
that will grow and bloom in you

these are the days
that you might fill with laughter
until you break

My Nursing Journey

2008-04-24T13:12:00.000-07:00

Because I was never able to nurse my first baby, Tyler, I came to the hospital prepared for disaster. Breast pump, nipple shields, bottles with various nipples, a breast-shaped bottle I’d special ordered, and 2-oz travel bottles of premixed formula, all came with me.

Tyler never latched, apart from a first latch a nurse helped achieve immediately after his birth. The first night nurse brought him to the breast twice, waking him up from the initial newborn slumber, and insisting I try the lie-down position (the most difficult at first) and shoving him at the breast, where he just screamed. I don’t know if that’s where it started, but the next day he just slept the hours away and screamed at the breast. West Sub had just the day before fired their in-house lactation consultant and new-mom breastfeeding classes were canceled. Every nurse had a different position and advice. Tyler quickly became lethargic, jaundiced, and dehydrated, and landed in the ER with a high fever not 12 hours after we were released from the hospital.

A lactation consultant was brought in (he was admitted) and taught us how to revive him from lethargy and get him to eat. She ordered a hospital pump and supplies, and came up with a feeding schedule and a plan for how much formula and how much pumped colostrum he should take. I’m cutting out a great deal of detail and other difficulties brought on by the hospital (West Sub), and some high drama involving firing our first pediatrician, for brevity’s sake. This is Megan’s story, after all. Suffice it to say that we nursed Tyler back to health in a very expensive, uncomfortable, and unhelpful hospital room. Once back home, he drank lustily from a bottle and screamed at the breast, and it was possibly the most painful time of my life. Determined to give him the benefits of breastmilk, I pumped for seven and a half months. So, yeah, I was a little paranoid heading into this second birth!

Under our doula, Tanya’s, care, Megan’s first latch was a good one, right after birth. I had called ahead and spoken to a lactation consultant at Prentice and requested, per her advice, to see an LC on the first day in the hospital. We asked and we asked, but an LC did not come on that first day. Megan’s latch was poor, and painful, and when she cried I could see her tongue tie was tight. Taking matters into my own hands, I pumped colostrum and tried the breast-shaped bottle and a bottle with a nuk nipple, neither of which did she like much, tho she did take some. One of the nurses gave us some syringes for mouth feeding, and that was our best bet. We began to track her intake in a chart, much as we had learned to do for Tyler before. Trying to avoid the confusion of each nurse giving different advice and positions that had happened before, I insisted on trying to master just one position, the basic cradle hold, which was most comfortable. Our doula came back the next day and assisted, and supported me in this decision, which I really appreciated.

Right away that day, I could tell that Megan was sticking to the effort. I was impressed by how she kept trying and trying to latch, no matter how many times I asked her to try again, and tho she might cry she did not scream. When the LC thought she wasn’t getting enough, we supplemented with the formula I’d brought, and she took it without complaint. I figured Megan’s cooperativeness was a good sign that we could work this out.

The LC came on our last day, and she was like a friendly, if hurried, drill sargeant. She came in with a trolly of supplies and slapped on latex gloves and got to work, her pager going off constantly and barking commands and questions in rapid fire. Cradle and reverse cradle no longer worked, she said. I was already getting big with transitional milk, and I had trouble with the positioning of my hands, so she ordered the football hold. (Yes, ma’am!) She examined Megan’s tongue tie and tried her latch and sucking strength with a finger, and declared that she was capable. After many tries, I got the football hold down. She felt Megan wasn’t getting enough and that she’d have to make up for not getting enough the days before. How frustrating for us, when we’d prepared way ahead of time and I’d pumped and made sure to supplement the latches! Not to mention our repeated requests for LC help! In any case, she got us started on the SNS (supplemental nursing system), which is a bottle attached to your shoulder with a tube coming down that you tape to your breast or finger, along with a nipple shield, which is like a fake one you put over your own when yours are too flat, to help the baby draw it out and teach her the proper shape to draw it out to.

Let me tell you, this combination is a mess. The first week at home, I was red from hospital tape holding on the SNS tube, and the formula/breastmilk (after one initial bottle, it was all pumped milk) dripping out of the tube filling up the shield and causing it to lose suction and slip off to the side and the tube coming out from under it spilling all over, all the while I’m trying to position baby and my hands in the football hold with a pillow for support, and then trying to get her to open up enough and latch on to all this mess, which took repeated tries. I mean, this is chaos!!!

Our doula Tanya came when Megan would be hungry, at a moment’s notice phone call, and helped me with the mess. After dealing with the whole big mess and tiring Megan out, I’d feed Megan with the SNS on the finger to make sure she’d had enough, which was relaxing for her. After a while Tanya and I figured out that if she has a little bit by finger first, she would be calm and not panic-starving when trying the latch. Tanya taught me how to recognize what they call a “nutritive sucking pattern,” which is what you look/listen/watch for to know your baby is getting what she needs. We would have a great feeding session, then the next one would take a step back and not work again. One day I’d decide Meg and I needed a break, and we’d do all finger-feeding, and start again the next day afresh. I don’t have proof but I feel that really helped us. (Only did it twice.) Nighttimes, when she and I and Ben were half-asleep, were just finger feeding. (For finger feeding Ben was glad to participate, too.)

It helped having Tanya come over for feedings. It was just a support, as well as good instruction. I wish all new moms could have a doula or full LC for the first few weeks of their baby’s life. Otherwise I have been very internal with this process, unwilling to share much with others or have friends and family come over to watch me try. It was so painful last time, I wanted to be very private this time. One new friend, tho, asked me about it. Kristin, the mom of Tyler’s day-care best friend Luka, asked me how it was going. I gave her a headline, and it turns out she had the exact same problem! Her firstborn never latched, her second (he’s just 6 months older than Tyle) had the same problems as Megan and I! She also did the SNS and shield combo and the nighttime finger feeding. She said it took a month to work it out. I thought, wow, that’s a long time. I excitedly told Tanya about this, and she said to be prepared for it to take two months! Anyway, Kristin said, after the initial difficult period, she had a great nursing experience. I really took heart at that.

I don’t know what kept me going, but sheer determination. Kristin’s story gave me hope. Breastfeeding isn’t easy, and most everyone I know has had trouble, except my mom who was a natural. Cousins and friends all had difficulties with various outcomes, and one friend ended up pumping for all three of her kids! It’s not just enough to know that “breast is best”—it’s the doing that’s sometimes impossible. I used to get looks for giving Tyler a bottle in public, and I’d want to say “Hey! It’s breastmilk! Give me a break!” Now I’m worried about looks for nursing in public! Anyway, I wanted to get that end result that Kristin got, and a good year of happy nursing.

What really kept me going was Megan. Every time I asked her to try a new latch or a relatch, she would do it. She was a real trooper. I would feel really down, and I would announce to Ben that I was quitting. And he was a great support, even tho he was as anxious as I was to keep her healthy and hydrated. He would say he’d back me on any decision I might make, it was okay if I quit, he’d support me. But then when Megan was hungry again, I would just wordlessly put her to the breast again. And we kept on that way for a while.

Once my milk came in fully I did not need to tape the SNS to “the girls” and they were grateful, ha ha. Then the SNS was finger-feeding only. After awhile I got good at working with the shield, and carried it in my bra where my cleavage would keep it warm and it would be ready at a moment’s notice. Soon she was big enough to go back to the cradle hold, and I found it worked! I even nursed her, w/ the shield, for the first time in public, in the pediatrician’s office, I was so proud. I began to wonder if I’d have to use the shield all the time.

Then the law of diminishing returns set in. First, the SNS finger feeding wasn’t 1) big enough to deliver enough, or 2) fast enough to satisfy her. The pediatrician, Dr. Mercola, said she had outgrown it. Away it went. Next, the nipple shield. My first clue was that Megan began to get fussy during feedings. My next clue was that I was getting sore and red from its use. I opened my many trusty breastfeeding books and they all warned against long-term use of the shield. It restricts the nipple ultimately, and slows down the milk delivery making it inefficient. Whoops! So one day I tried without it, and while the latch hurt, Megan seemed much happier, and continued to thrive. So, away it went. We were officially back to basics. Megan was six weeks old. Six weeks, a month and a half, to do away with the accoutrements. Not bad!

After a week of latching and relatching, Megan stopped slipping off down to the tip, which really hurts, and seemed to have the hang of it. My greatest concern at that point was that more often than not she didn’t open her mouth wide enough to get more in and it would hurt. I kept on asking her to relatch, hoping that she would eventually grow big enough to fit better. I think now that she has. I began to practice other positions, mainly side-lying position, which is excellent for nighttime because you can doze while she eats at leisure and as sleepily as she likes. It’s lovely, and has saved my sleep-deprived sanity.

It was hard for awhile to tell whether I had pain because of her latch or whether we had a low grade yeast infection/thrush or even a type of mastitis. I perused my trusty books and found the symptoms overlap they are so similar. Eventually it cleared up, and they can clear up on their own if they are not serious. One weekend I spent helping a friend move and did not pump often enough, and I developed a low grade mastitis that spread from one side to the other. Again, back to the books for home treatment options. Luckily it cleared up on it’s own again with home treatments. They say if it doesn’t clear up w/in 24 hours you need antibiotics. Whatever the case, I was okay.

Recently, at about three months old, I was nursing her when I suddenly realized that it didn’t hurt! That mostly it doesn’t hurt usually. I sat there trying to remember when it last hurt. You see, it would hurt initially and then fade away and I’d be fine for the rest of a feeding. I’m sure it was latch related, that she was taking in more of the areola gradually. And let me tell you that idea of “toughening them up” is a myth. I began to think that I was one of the lucky ones who is naturally sensitive and no way around it. But at three months, I think we’re finally nursing happily. Yay!

Now if we could get her to take the bottle a little more readily while I’m at work, that would be a good thing. We had a great rhythm by the end of my leave, she and I, and our supply and demand was perfectly set up. Now I have a private room at work for pumping and I try to approximate the timing of her feedings while I’m away. It’s working out pretty well. Except that sometimes she just doesn’t want the bottle. So I worry about her. But she continues to grow fat and tall and to laugh and coo, roll around and grab her feet, and do what babies do. And you can’t ask for better than that.

caption: This photo, added to this entry months later, shows a thriving and healthy Megan enjoying a "meal." She's become an old hand at it! I feel so lucky, it's like a gift. Isn't she, and nursing too, just so beautiful?

Megan's Birth Story

2008-01-16T14:03:00.000-08:00

Today is Megan's 1 week birthday. Thought I'd take the occasion to recount her birth for the blog...

We were an hour late getting to the hospital for the induction, we were tired and a little weirded out and excited about it. We entered the big, fancy lobby that makes Prentice look like a fancy hotel, and went on up to the 8th floor to L&D. Dr. Arof met us in the waiting room and talked about what to expect. Tanya our doula was finishing up with another birth and would join us in a bit.

Things went pretty leisurely at first. I put on the gown and we scouted out our fancy L&D room. The view was all city, no lake, but still nice. The bathroom was huge. We were visited by two nurses who introduced themselves and a couple of anesthesiologists. One took a drug history and another signed me up for an epidural study, which was a mistake. More on that later.

They got the I.V. in my left hand and started w/ 2mm (or is that ml?) pitosin, then broke the waters. Once they broke the bag of waters things went quickly and picked up pace. Tanya arrived just after that just in time for the contractions to hit. She talked me thru them, holding one hand while I squeezed the heck out of Ben's hand. I paced the room with my IV pole, visited the bathroom, sat on the birth ball, and stood and swayed. I never wanted to lie or sit. If allowed to I likely would have stood for the entire thing!

Tanya had to ask repeatedly to reduce the pitosin b/c she was worried about hyper stimulation, and my contractions which were suddenly and consistently less than 2 minutes apart, about 1 and a half or so. We finally got them to reduce to 1mm of pit. I was trying to clear my head and think was it time for the epidural when Ben started to say, if Val can't think, then she needs the epidural now. I really wasn't getting breaks between contractions all the sudden. Dr. Arof checked me and I was 4cm dilated and he also agreed on the epidural, and turned off the pitosin. So from here on out, it was just me. He said he was going to be in a C-section for the next hour but he didn't think I'd be having the baby before he got back. Famous last words!

This is when it got bad. The gal doing the epidural study came in with her kit and kicked out Ben and Tanya, said it would be just 20 minutes. West Sub had let Ben stay, so this was a surprise. If I had known what would happen I might have skipped the epidural. To get my spine straight they laid me on my side and she jabbed around a bit, which hurt. The study was to give a little medicine and take pressure readings, give more, take another reading. I did not realize that is what it would be. They tried to get me to lie still. I seemed to lose all control of my body at this point, and the pressure to push, or what feels like you desperately need to poop, was immense. I started yelling things, like first I begged for Ben back. Then I was yelling that the contractions still hurt and why wasn't the epidural working. Then when they kept telling me to lie still I was trying to say I couldn't help it and a lot of "oh god" and "help me" and stuff like that. Finally I yelled somebody hold my legs still. And I told this young nurse trying to hold the monitor on my abdomen to stop it because it hurt. They called more and more people in, and there were all these voices and no single person helping me. They couldn't get the heart rate, the baby's heart rate had slowed and they couldn't find it anymore, so without asking, they put in the internal monitor. They kept lifting my leg to check me, to put the monitor in, then to check me again, and it seemed no time had gone by and it was "she's 6 centimeters" "she's 8" "she's dilated to 9" Then they were telling me to stop pushing. Well, I wasn't doing any pushing on purpose. My body was doing whatever it wanted. They flipped me onto my other side for some reason to do with the epidural. A nurse finally came and peered down into my face and took off her face mask and told me to breathe and did some coaching, blowing in my face. I have no idea who she was, but I swear she was the only one in the room over 25 (maybe 40ish) and I just remember her brown eyes. Thank you, whoever you are.

This little crisis was of their own making. Why they would kick out labor support during the epidural for a second pregnancy, which notoriously go faster, when I'm alredy 4cm and no breaks between contractions which is transitional labor (the last stage before pushing), is beyond me. It is not wise. But I got through it, because what else do you do?

Finally Tanya was there, and suddenly Ben, and the back-up doctor, Dr. Katz, appeared at the base of the bed, and they were telling me to push. It was like they were speaking a foreign language, I was very confused. I could move my legs and feel beyond some surface numbness on my legs, and the anesthesiologist put an alcohol swab on my belly asking if it felt cold, which it did, then on my leg, where it did not, altho I could still feel it. I could feel that "ring of fire" when the perenium is stretched. The doc said "just one more push" and I must say I just didn't believe her. I managed a couple of pushes at most, and suddenly the baby was out!!!

(Ben's side of the story is also interesting, and he was feeling insane being locked out. He recalls it as nearly an hour while he repeatedly sought permission to return. Then when he got in it was chaos around me and he was very upset. I focused on him and gripped his hand while I tried to push.)

So I was already in the mode where I announced some insane request to the room repeatedly until I got help, so I switched to "I want her" as my mantra--the baby, which was a girl. She was red and her fingers were purple, and the cord was blue and she was doing that newborn cry. I got her, and she was amazing. This little thing! They switched out towels around her to dry her and prevent cooling of and Ben and I just focused on her.

Tanya had to repeatedly tell the nursing staff to hold off while we had bonding time. They asked maybe 6 times, and the doctor backed us up, which really helped. They just wanted to weigh her, do the apgar, and admit her to the system. But those first 45 minutes of alert time are key. We got a good latch and she drank, with Tanya's help. It was wonderful.

Meanwhile the doc was in and out of the uterus because the placenta would not disengage. They found it had fused membranes. I pushed most of it out with her help, then Dr. Arof joined Dr. Katz and she did a cuterage (like a d&c)--I could feel pressure and hear the snick-snack like scissors! Creepy, but apparently taking care of it then prevented hemoraging and hospitalization later. Also I was already dilated (tho they said I was already contracting). Excellent news was that I had no stitches!!! Just a scrape. They say the placenta did not look 100% healthy, and it was good that they induced when they did.

I know the whole thing sounds crazy, but I'm glad it's over and I'm so glad to have this beautiful girl in my arms. Coming down so fast did give her a cephalo hematoma, however, which is a giant bruise like a pocket of blood on her head. It will resolve in a few weeks. They x-rayed her and there was no skull fracture. She's fine. Breaking down the old red blood cells does create billirubins (sp) as a byproduct, however, so there is jaundice. That and some latch difficulties added to jaundice, but it is already going down and she's eating, pooping, and gaining weight like a trooper!

Megan's Birth Photo

2008-01-15T17:12:00.000-08:00

It's a Girl!!!

2008-01-10T15:17:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting in bed at the hospital typing on a little keypad attached to the nurse caller thingie--you know, the device by the bed that you call the nurse with (Ben says, the device you push to make the nurses not come, heh). I'm seeing the blog entry on a big, wide-screen TV. Cool,huh? We've just ordered room service and the food is fantastic. Ben is reading what I write and making sarcastic comments from the dad-bench. Oh, sorry, he says they are "snide or snarky." I sit corrected. "And the bed is an uncomfortable couch that folds out into an even more uncomfortable bed." Little Megan is in her hospital bassinette by the bed. Ben describes this as a "deluxe petri dish." We are tired and a little slap happy.

Megan Hillary was born yesterday, January 9th at 1:21 in the afternoon after a bizarre labor I'll have to describe another time. She was 7lbs 12oz, and 18 inches. She's amazingly tiny. I can't believe Tyler was ever this small. Getting a latch on is again a problem, but we are working through it best we can with our doula
helping. We haven't seen the lactation consultants rumored to work here yet, despite numorous requests and orders for them written into our records in the system here. But she will not be dehydrated like Tyler was. I've brought my breast pump and whenever she doesn't get a latch (it's hit and miss) I pump and she takes colostrum by syringe now. She dislikes two different kinds of bottle nipples already, one of which I had special ordered b/c it is shaped like a breast. She wants the real thing.

Megan looks like no-one I know, but she's really beautiful. Ben adds "in a squishy baby kind of way." Her newest nickname is "scrunchy face." This is in addition to Megalon and Megaweapon, the earlier Scumby of course, and, since Tyler is "boogie boy" we've decided she will be "disco girl." She has a round face, very dark eyes, wisps of brown hair, little rosebud lips, and mini Mobley ears. She has a pink complection and is a little rashy around her face which is already fading. We are both really into her.

...Megan is smacking her lips. Gotta go. Wish me luck!

I'm at the Hospital!

2008-01-09T07:34:00.000-08:00

Check this out! Free Internet access! I'm just getting settled in for the induction at Prentice Women's Hospital. I've been having contractions all night/morning, too! They do hurt.

Will report back when possible! This place is so hi tech. Hee hee hee!

P.S. Turns out in the exam yesterday the doc did what they call stripping the membranes, which is separating w/ finger the bag of waters from the uterus lining around the opening. That's why it hurt so much! Angry that they didn't tell me. It's very common, and is supposed to release hormones to bring on contractions. Did it work? Hmmmm...

The Final Countdown

2008-01-08T19:36:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm scheduled to induce tomorrow at the crack of dawn. I asked if I could make it later than 6:30 but they told me the hospital is booked and I was lucky I didn't get 3 a.m.! Sheesh.

Anyway, 6:30 makes getting Tyler to day-care in the morning kindof difficult. Especially since Alice has a new skin condition (hives) and can't help out like she originally thought she could. Which I hate to admit is a disappointment; I'm sure I'm much too sensitive these days and wish I had more help. So my mom says she'll spend the night tonight and get Tyler fed and transferred in the morning. Then I don't know, guess she'll hang out or something? Or visit the hospital maybe, I don't know.

Will call Tanya tonight and come up with a game plan for the morning. I do wish I could go into labor naturally, you know? Seems like it's happening, just very slowly. And it's true I'm anxious to have the baby! But still. The gender is a surprise, the name will be a surprise, why not the birth day itself? Or, it would be cool to have it be the 10th since Tyler was born on a 10th, if we're picking days. Or go today, the 8th, which is Elvis's and David Bowie's birthday. Then I also think to myself, that originally the 9th was one of the due dates when the date was originally disputed at the first doctor's, before the 13th week ultrasound settled it on the 7th. So, does that mean the 9th is destined? Or does that mean we ought to count the 9th too soon and give it more time? I don't know. I'm overthinking this. I'm happy to get the doctor I want at least. And you never know how long the labor will take! Might not actually come on the 9th after all! But I don't believe that, not really.

I am still crampy and getting mild contractions from the exam earlier today. It's common for early labor to carry on evenings then fade the next morning. It would be way cool to show up in the morning already in labor. I'll see if I can't will labor to start with the power of my mind, ha ha... Well, you never know!

Well, this is my last post I believe, until I give birth and post a narrative about the experience afterward. Which is what I plan to do. Until then...

Wish me luck!

Last Appointment

2008-01-08T13:32:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry to say my last appointment today was a disappointment. I was excited to see Dr. Arof again and find out about my progress and ask my list of questions about the induction and talk about my doula. I was in the waiting room ready and waiting at about 15 minutes late, and I'm not sure if that wasn't the first mistake. The second was not asking sooner why the wait was so long. I was waiting about 45 minutes or so when I got up and ran into Dr. Arof on his way out. He was really sorry, and he should be, tho one can blame the nurse staff if you want to. Unfortunately for me, Arof's nurse Bridgett ("Bridge" for short--isn't that cute?) wasn't there today and when that happens I often get "oh we thought you were in an ultrasound and were waiting for word" or some other why-we-called-you-in-late exhuse. Which has cost me unpaid PTO time from work twice in recent past. Turns out also that Dr. Arof had a split office schedule today and the afternoon he was due in his Northbrook office. Which was the whole reason why I came in the morning directly to him when my NST was in the afternoon.

If I were a long-time patient of his or if I liked the other doctors as much it wouldn't be such a big deal. But the day before my scheduled induction, I really, really wanted to talk to him. And I'm sensitive already to the feeling of being without help or lost, as I felt with my first doctor. They rushed me in to see Dr. Katz, which is my 2nd choice for on-call doc (she's nice) but I was emotional and try as I might I couldn't manage to hold back my tears, and she didn't know what to do with me. She made a sad joke, "oh I know you're crying because you're so glad to see me." And the appointment was very rushed.

Anyway I'm still 2 cm dilated, and she didn't give it a percentage (so I don't know if I'm still 75% effaced or if this means more) but she said my cervix is "oh, yes, really thin now." Gosh it really hurt. Each time I get examined I am sore to the touch, but man did it hurt this time. She said she could feel the head and also the baby's back. The way it felt, my cervix must be all stretched out and wide, she could really get her hand around it/the baby's head. It was amazing.

My blood pressure it really good, 120/80, and at the NST 128/80 (after walking over there). The two gals at the NST, nurses both, Maggie and Karen, are so friendly and so talkative and excited it's not hard to cheer up around them. The baby gave excellent NST results and was extremely active, kicking against the monitors and rolling around. Baby has a very assertive physical personality. (I'm thinking girl's basketball, heh heh!) Maggie and Karen want a phone call or see a picture of the baby so I will probably send Maggie and Karen an announcement at their office. They are very sweet.

I have a few ideas about how to solve this disappointment from the doc appt. I can 1) call Dr. Arof at the Northbrook office and see if I can't ask him some questions, 2) set aside some time to chat with him before the induction in the morning so that I get my concerns met before the procedure begins, and 3) chat with Tanya my doula about some of the questions too and come up with our own plan.

I am very crampy and sore after the exam. Spotting of course. Some of it is low-grade contractions, not the serious kind, tho. It would be neat to show up tomorrow morning already in labor!

Pelvic Shift

2008-01-08T11:54:00.000-08:00

Last night Ben worked the evening shift and I was on my own. Contractions hit around 8, just before Tyler's bedtime, then suddenly my pelvis seemed to pinch on the left back side and shoot pains down to my knee. It was incredible, and I let Tyler stay up until Ben got home. I hobbled upstairs when poor tired Tyler wanted to go up and get his blankie and paci, a sure sign he's ready for bed. But I could not manage to change his diaper and he laid on his toddler bed fully dressed. I took of his shoes from my vantage point of the blue chair next to the bed, but that's all. He climbed on me for a story and the pain brought tears to my eyes. I love him so much and it's so hard to not be able to do something for him or nurture him when he's feeling affectionate like that, it broke my heart. I called Daddy-o to ask him to come home on time and tell him Tyler would still be up, and Ben was welcomed by a Tyler-monkey with arms and legs both! It was very sweet, and I was sad and grateful. Tyler is such a sweet boy, and Ben such a good, loving dad. I'm lucky.

I asked Ben for a lower back/pelvis massage. And this is very cool: He could feel the baby's head! He was kind of freaked a bit, and so was very gentle. He's like, is that the head? What is this? This wasn't here last time I gave you a massage (that morning!) there. Ben is excellent at the massage! This morning he even added positive statements in a relaxing voice, at it was really really cool.

Nesting Instinct?

2008-01-07T18:31:00.000-08:00

Re: mood swings: Okay, first I want to kill everyone who causes the phone to ring. Then I miss my friends and invite them over all weekend. Then, after picking fights with my hubbie and not letting him get within 10 feet of me for months, I suddenly am on fire when he's near me and can't get enuf. Which passes very quickly. Now, after increasing fatigue that feels like I have weights added to every limb for the past weeks, today I'm suddenly light and full of energy. I've been cooking and cleaning and it's bizarre. Just today, tho. It wasn't long before I pooped out in the evening!

False Alarm

2008-01-07T14:07:00.000-08:00

Sunday evening and all thru last night I had steady contractions, lasting about 45 to 60 seconds and about 3 to 4 minutes apart. They would start and build in a band from the abdomen around the small of the back, and become uncomfortably painful but easy to talk through, then fade and resolve. We called Tanya and she was at a party right across the street, which we thought was funny. She reviewed for me how to time the contractions and suggested the shower test and was ready to come over whenever we were too. We got the watch out and timed the contractions, and watched a movie. We had a friend over, Michelle, who gave me an awesome lower back/pelvis massage! She's a natural.

Ben and I got really nervous and excited when the contractions passed the shower test before bedtime--a hot shower often makes them go away if they are false or early labor. But then they were more spaced apart, and we went to bed. I slept through most of them but got awakened a good handful of times by the pain of some of them. Still felt them in the morning, but by mid-morning they were going away. We were so disappointed! So, Ben went to work.

Tanya explained that this is very common for second-time pregnancies. That often early labor like this is lightly felt in first pregnancies so there are less false starts. But this is just early labor and normal, and can go on for two weeks before the due date. Which is about what I've been doing!

Trying Everything to Induce Labor

2008-01-06T14:25:00.000-08:00

I suspect most of what they suggest, if not all, is myth. I'm already eating spicy foods, as that is what the fetus seems to want. I'm not jumping up and down, that seems masochistic. I'll just say for the record that sex does not work, either ...ahem! Altho in a very bizarre twist I actually wanted it, which lately is unheard of. Heh heh heh! It's hard to know if stimulating the "girls" as suggested in What To Expect works or not, but I have greatly irritated the skin there which is worse! I am going to try sheer will power. Or maybe I should chant as in one of Tyler's favorite books: "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can..."

That Fed-Up Feeling

2008-01-03T10:25:00.001-08:00

Apparently it's normal to get fed-up with pregnancy here at the end.

Personally I'm mostly sick of being sick. Looking back, I first caught the cold/series of colds I've been trading off with Ben and Tyler and day-care back on my blog entry of December 3rd. So yes, that's a month of being sick up to today. I was miserable last night, coughing all night and waking everybody up in the house repeatedly. This morning I coughed so much I was sick, and of course simultaneously ruined my pants and had to start all over washing up and getting dressed for work again. It's demoralizing. Last night I started to cry and Ben was very supportive and rubbed my back and tried to give me a pep talk about having a positive attitude so that my pregnancy is a better experience overall. I know he's right, intellectually, but it's hard.

I still have the ringing in my ears and the heartburn, the loose joints in my pelvis which have become more painful recently, sore belly and bosom (using old fashioned language ha ha), difficulty bending over, standing up, sitting up out of bed, and standing for too long, twingy carpal tunnel, some odd swelling, incontinence, constant fatigue, and mood swings, to name the main ones. I feel I could be much more accepting of all this if I felt well on top of it all. I'm sick of pricking my fingers to test my blood glucose levels, and I want sweets.

Mainly--and this is much more amusing--I have high irritability. Some times Ben accuses me of trying to pick a fight. But what do you do when everything he does irritates you? When everything your husband is doing is clearly wrong? Heh heh heh. (I know how bad that sounds!)

Over the weekend I decided to limit the calls I take. Sorry! Everyone has been calling to see if we've had the baby yet. Um, you'll get a call, we promise! Of course I appreciate the attention. I just am not handling it very well. So I let Ben take the calls. I'm not at all reasonable, you know. It's just as likely that if no-one was calling I'd be hurt, so you can't win. Sometimes what sets me off is too much cheerfulness and excitement. Or reassurances that I'm really okay if I'm expressing being fed up. And Trina, honey, you can "call twice a day until I have that baby" if you want, bless your heart (as our Grandma would say), but if you do that, you'll have to be happy with getting Ben! (You know I love you!) Of course our parents always get thru to one or both of us. And they are being good sports about this. (Kudos to Madalen who actually made me laugh, even after I answered the phone with "be careful, I might bite your head off." We're getting along great!)

For the record, I've gone thru my cell phone's address book and made sure it was filled with everyone's number.

Another very annoying this is, what on earth can I respond to "so you're still pregnant!" Um, yes, this is me, and this is my belly, and clearly I'm still pregnant. Congratulations on your keen observation skills! That's what I'd like to say to coworkers who say that to me! Hehe. Great way for me to keep friendly, huh?

Another special joy is the reactions I'm getting from strangers. Strangers! On my way to the doctor, in elevators or hallways, in brief visits to small, managable stores like Walgreens, I get comments and big, saucer-eyed looks. One woman had the audacity to ask if I had twins. 'Cause I'm so huge. Then she gave my belly a look like she didn't believe me. This one gal in the elevator didn't even have anything cute to say, she demanded my due date and just seemed afraid I'd give birth right there and then. So now I'm apparently scaring people!

You know, I should play it up. When I get the saucer-eyed looks, I should stop and rub my belly and do some labor breathing, really give them a scare! Heh.

If you think of any other scare tactics or funny sarcastic replies I could prepare, let me know!

No Progress At Latest Dr. Visit

2008-01-02T17:30:00.000-08:00

Still at 2 cm dilation and 75% effacement. "About the same," according the Dr. Halpern, Dr. Arof's associate while he's on vacation.

Tried to talk to him about the doula but he doesn't seem as supportive as Dr. Arof is. I really hope we get Dr. Arof for the birth. Halpern wasn't responsive about me coming in more during active labor and gave me the same-old about 45 second long contractions 3 minutes apart. Remember my Solstice contractions? That's what they were, and they were more than 3 hours worth, then went away. By that calculation, I would have gone in to the hospital and, what? I don't know. Been sent home? Been put on petosin? I don't know. And Halpern seemed less supportive of the doula being an R.N. and told me "she's not a midwife, she's just a support during labor." It was kind of disappointing. I miss Arof.

I'm so tired!

Head Cold Continues

2008-01-02T17:27:00.000-08:00

Tyler is better apart from a raspy voice. Back to sleeping thru the night and breathing well enuf to nap. But now I've caught it. It's not fair!

I was afraid I'd have to wear a mask around the newborn but the doc says I won't need to and that I will get better after the birth and my immunity picks up again. I hope it's quick. I've been miserable about this.

Date Set for Induction

2008-01-02T10:21:00.000-08:00

Just as a back-up, if I don't go by my due date, the hospital/doctor has set a time and day for inducing me. January 9th, at 6:30 a.m. But Dr. Arof doesn't think it'll be necessary. Keep your fingers crossed.

Happy New Year

2008-01-01T15:26:00.000-08:00

Well, somehow I thought for sure I'd have the baby on the new year but no dice. Mild crampy contractions didn't even keep me awake, and disappeared after a long, hot morning shower. (The "shower test"--if they keep going after a shower or a walk, they are here to stay.)

So anyway I got out the baby's first year calendar and am marking the birth month as January--no need to see if it would have been December anymore--and filling out the months calendar days. It's exciting.

Prenatal Doula Visit

2008-01-01T15:17:00.000-08:00

Well Tanya came over and we reviewed our birth plan and various pain management and laboring techniques. It was great. She really knows the various laws pertaining to baby's newborn care, as well as the effects of bonding on development and how to get that precious first hour and a half of wakefulness before the baby does it's first long sleep post birth. I feel like we've learned a lot today. I can't possibly recall it all here, but you get the idea. We have a plan for the labor, and will labor at home as long as we can and get to the hospital in more active labor but certainly before transition phase. She'll be able to check the position of the baby and adjust by pressure points on the pelvis--I'm sure I'm not explaining this perfectly. We also upon admission will get an Ob order to get the lactation consultants at the hospital to come sooner than their usual visit just before we are let out. But if that doesn't work well for us she knows several good local lactation consultants and Tanya will be on call for help as well those first few days. Well, I'm not sure what else to say. I feel so much better now that we have an advocate and someone who will stick with us and help me thru labor. I feel better about a lot of my fears.

Second Doula Interview Great!

2007-12-30T15:03:00.000-08:00

We met with another doula, this one also an Oak Parker, who specializes in hypnotherapy. I'm not doing the hypnotherapy aspect, but this also means she is very skilled in talking you thru a contraction with a soothing voice and she--her name is Tanya--did an example for me and she's wonderful! She can work with the yoga and knows the positions. But also, get this, she's also a labor & delivery nurse, an R.N., and has been doing this for over 20 years. Technically that makes her not just a doula but what's called a monitrice, and she seems to know just everything there is to know about birthing. She also does massage, and is very supportive of Ben's role as coach. She also has an intricate knowledge of what the nurses need to get done and how to stall them from wisking the baby away while she helps me get that first latch. She's more expensive than the last doula we interviewed, but she feels like "the one." This is weird, I know, but after she left I told Ben, "she smells good." I can't explain it, but I'm going with my gut feelings. Natalie was great, I'm sorry, but after just one interview we are instinctively drawn toward Tanya. She also has a website, just Google Tanya Mchale. Tanya really impressed me as a more mature and experienced and assertive doula who will step into the fire for us and really advocate for what we want at the hospital. She also is very warm and has a great hug. More later after we have our prenatal visit in a few days.

Tyler Sneezing on Me...

2007-12-29T15:35:00.000-08:00

Just when I thought I was all better, and my laryngitis is fading away, Tyler developes a new cold and has been sneezing on me all day! Oh, no!

Big News from the Latest Doctor Visit

2007-12-27T12:41:00.000-08:00

Yesterday Ben and I traipsed into the city for the latest set of appointments. The NST (non-stress test, where they monitor baby's movements and heartbeat) went beautifully. Lots of movement and peaks over a solid baseline, with baby kicking at the monitor.

Next over to the doctor's office where we discovered some exciting news. Those contractions last weekend paid off, and the doc says that more important than my 2 centimeters dilation is a 75% effacement of the cervix! How cool is that! (Dilation is the cervix opening, which needs to reach 10 cm to get baby thru, while effacement refers to the cervix thinning, and can take a lot of work to acheive. You can Google "effacement" if you want to see more of a description. Effacement and dilation work together on the cervix, thinning and retracting until you get a lip of cervix they call the "ring of fire.") The baby has also dropped much further.

Dr. Arof kept saying how really pleased he was with the effacement, and seemed actually excited about it. Which was neat to see. He had a kind of happy buzz of energy about him. I really hope we get him for delivery, but we might get an associate on call because he's on vacation next week thru up to my due date, and he really thinks I could go anytime now. He said he wouldn't be surprised if the next time I see him I have a baby in my arms.

Can you imagine? A baby in my arms!

My cervix and uterus are sore, and my pelvis feels like a loose bag of rattling, sliding bones. I am all full of baby, and I am getting kicked in the ribs. She stretches and wriggles against her tight quarters. I always have to pee, and sleep raised up on pillows to prevent heartburn. I'm terribly, terribly fatigued, and constantly want to just sit down. I'm trying to enjoy Tyler and, as my Grandma would say, "give him sugar" as much as I can now while it's just us. These are precious few days.

A baby in my arms!

Gifts for Baby

2007-12-24T12:36:00.000-08:00

This holiday I've been truly blessed by the creativity of my friends and family around me. As soon as I can download them, I will post photos of some of the gifts here that the new baby has received. A classic Pooh & friends quilt made by our Aunt Agnes, a beautiful crochet baby blanket from our Aunt Sharon, two knitted mice--one for baby and one for Tyler as companion--made by my work friend Julie who is a member of my lunch-time craft club, and then I made crochet mittens to go with the bunting I got, and Nana/my mom is making a matching hat.

This is the crochet blanket from my Aunt Sharon, also with the two knitted mice from my friend and craft club member Julie:

Here are photos of Aunt Agnes's baby quilt:

Here are the baby mittens I made to go with the bunting:

Doula Interview Sunday

2007-12-23T12:10:00.000-08:00

We all slept in after the eventful family Solstice, what with its crazy-driver hard play and hours of contractions for me, and we were barely ready for Natalie the doula when she showed up on time at 10 a.m. Why did I choose such an early time? Sheesh.

She seems really great, meets all my expectations, and from my earlier description of her you can throw in aromatherapy. She also brings a kit with birth ball and whatnot to the birth. She can definitely work with my yoga and yogic breathing (pranayama). She also is very inclusive of Ben and his role of coach and her interaction with him was great. She seems very laid back and open to our preferences.

The only thing was that Ben and I did not have a struck-by-lightning "this-is-the-one" feeling like we got when we met our new doctor. I don't know, it's probably not fair to expect that of her, or of everyone we encounter in this birth experience. But she's good and I would be happy with her.

Tyler really liked her, and after initially telling her "bye bye" instead of hello, he warmed up to her, kept interrupting, trying to bring her toys or entice her onto the floor with him, and even a week later he is still asking for her!

I have one other doula to talk to and after that will make a quick decision. (If "quick" is something that can ever be ascribed to anything I ever do!)

I guess the weird thing that strikes me about all this is how I'm striving to get together a team to assist in the birth experience, but really they are all strangers--or rather I should call them newbies or something less alienating--altho they are experts. Hospital, doctor, nurse, doula, dad/coach, maybe aunt. Most of them are new to me and there I have to get half nude and push out a baby with all the sweat, blood, tears, and other unnamable bodily fluids that come with it! At the time, tho, I know I will no longer care who sees what!

Natalie has been a doula for 6 years and attended 62 births. None of this stuff will be new to her! But still, we had to chuckle after she left. We were so embarrassed that while she was here, we offered her coffee and then Ben didn't know how to make it, and she asked for cream and we only had whole milk; then I tried to subtly hide a box of Summer's Eve wipes that Tyler had taken from the bathroom and played with and left on the table, and ended up dropping the box right in front of her; we forgot to turn up the heat and she had her scarf on the whole time; Ben sat in the glider I got recently and a spring loudly broke; and at the end when she used the bathroom it was out of toilet paper and Ben had to run upstairs for another roll! Ben said, she might as well know now what kind of people we are!

Oh, well.

Contractions for Solstice

2007-12-22T11:58:00.000-08:00

Solstice was a nice family affair with gifts exchanged between just me, Ben, and Tyler. We gave Tyle a doll and stroller, and he buzzed around with the stroller calling out "crazy driver! crazy driver!" It doesn't have a name yet, just "Tyler's baby." I'm hoping the baby will help him when I bring a real new baby home soon! (Since then, Nana has taught him how to hold baby doll properly, which is sweet.) He also got a digger, specifically the big backhoe from Bob the Builder called Scoop, which was a huge hit. Ben managed to surprise me with a new Tori Amos album, I don't know how he got that past me, I'm a big fan. Guess saying I've been distracted is an understatement! Plus he burned a disk of demos, soundtrack tracks and unreleased stuff I also didn't have. I got him a couple DVDs from the new MST3K-originated The Film Crew, and we settled in for the incredibly hilarious Wild Women of Wongo. Which, by the way, was the most hilarious thing I've seen in a long, long time!

Contractions started as we put Tyler to bed, maybe 8:30, and went thru the movie to past midnight. They were more painful that the last ones, kept me awake, and lasted 30 to 45 seconds, with a few up to a minute long, and came regularly but erratically, a few minutes apart at most. But they eventually died away on their own, and I got a good night's rest. I hope very much that I got another couple centimeters out of this work--this is hard work!

Doula Interview this Weekend!

2007-12-21T08:47:00.000-08:00

I've been searching on-line and among friends' recommendations for a doula, and I found one I really like. Her website explains how she comes to the profession, and the important role her own first doula played in supporting her husband as coach, which is important to Ben. She is not one of those that advocates only for a natural drug-free birth, altho she knows how to do that, too, but she is supportive of my decision to get an epidural. I talked to her last night. She is a childbirth educator too, and a yoga instructor, and will help me to incorporate my yoga breathing and positioning into my labor. Which I think is really cool. Many doulas have websites or are at least on several certified doula network websites, and many of them do hypnotherapy, which seems popular now but I really am not interested in. I would have been happy with massage therapy, but yoga I didn't expect and consider it a big bonus. She has two children, 7 and 4, and has been a doula for 6 years. She lives in Roger's Park in Chicago and can work with my Oak Park/Prentice Hospital locations.

In essence, I get two prenatal visits (tho I'm running out of time for that) and two postnatal visits, one when the baby is a few days old and another a week or two later. I can call her while in labor and she will come to the house and help time contractions and help with pain management and yoga and all that good stuff, and will go along with us to the hospital and stay throughout the entire labor. She will stay for several hours after the birth, too, and assist in getting a good latch-on for breastfeeding. (Prentice also has two lactation consultants on staff who visit within 24 hours of the birth, so I feel pretty well covered. I will still find a number or consultant practice locally to call if having trouble at home. I get lists from Prentice and LaLeche and I have my old list from West Sub, too.)

She's expensive at $800, but that's standard as far as my research tells me. I will get my holiday bonus today at work, and will apply it entirely toward this, and will cut the cost in half. Insurance doesn't cover this. I think it's worth it, tho. Ben says, "If you want a doula, you get a doula, no matter the cost...I don't even get a veto, or even an opinion...maybe just a consultation, if that!" I told him of course I want to find someone who can work with us both! But I do appreciate his cooperation in this. I was so afraid we'd be alone w/ no advocate, with decisions made by strangers/doctors on call and nurses coming and going in shifts, like what happened last time. In any case, my parents will stop in, and my friend Michelle will come by at some point and is willing to help (she's excellent at massage), and if my Aunt Sharon is in town (she may be) she may attend. Prentice lets a lot of people in to the L&D rooms. But I expect what will actually happen is that it will be me, Ben, and Natalie (the doula). I do want some privacy and consistency. (After the baby comes I am looking forward to having guests, especially my mother-in-law Madalen and my Aunt Sharon! Two very special mothering women in my life.)

Natalie's coming on Sunday for an interview with us to make sure we're a good fit. Meeting her is important, our gut reactions to her will be important. Keeping my fingers crossed that she and Ben get along, too. My phone conversation with her already left me feeling very good about her. If this works out I will consider myself lucky, especially considering I'm setting this up so late. But she says it's never too late. She once had someone hire her while already in labor!

Here's her website address: http://www.mamabellybirth.com/

If you Google (Natalie Evans, doula, Chicago), you see her all over the place!

Craving Snow

2007-12-20T08:24:00.000-08:00

Hold me back! Every day I very strongly want to dive into the nearest snowbank and whip out a spoon. I'm crunching ice at work (we have a lovely ice maker at work that makes these little square pieces!). This is an iron deficiency, so I'm eating spinach and soups with chicken stock and iron supplements.

P.S. Snow just doesn't taste like I remember when I was little! What's with that?

Bad Driver

2007-12-20T08:19:00.000-08:00

Well, it's official. I am now a bad driver. I've always considered myself a good driver, but lately, well. I blame it on the pregnancy. I can unsafely say that I have had a close call once every day this week, twice this morning. Thing is, I don't ever see them coming! They just magically appear, there in front of me in a parking lot or suddenly going at high speeds down a local street that I thought was empty. I'm getting really paranoid and driving slowly and annoying people. I really, really don't want an accident right now. You know what? In an ideal world I would just stay home from here on out. But I can't afford it, I'm expected at work, today's society is just not in tune with those sorts of needs. But it won't be long, now! Solstice is this weekend, Christmas is next week, New Year's after that, and that's lots of holidays at home, then I'm thinking of stopping coming to work even if I don't have the baby right on the 7th.

P.S. Feeling Better

2007-12-20T08:16:00.000-08:00

My cold has drastically improved, thank goodness! But my voice is going. I've got that husky Stevie Nicks thing going on, which is kind of fun. We are all getting better now.

The Devil In Me

2007-12-19T08:33:00.000-08:00

Woke up with the devil in me, weirdly cheerful. Sat up and started talking to Ben, who was pushing "snooze" and trying to ignore me, which only drove me on! Told him stupid jokes, too. It was great. Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Crawling Around

2007-12-19T07:45:00.000-08:00

Well, last night was...interesting. I was feeling pretty fatigued to begin with, when these erratic contractions in my lower back/upper pelvis took ahold. I was upstairs getting Tyler ready for bed. I got so far as getting a good cloth diaper on him (which is always a struggle as he kicks and giggles or won't cooperate) when he managed to scootch it down so he could "pee pee on the potty." Then he took it off entirely, and I sat on the floor of his room hoping the pains would pass. He ran around naked, playing, rumaging through his books, and climbing me as I sat with my forehead on the glider's ottoman. I couldn't get up, I couldn't lift him, I couldn't hold him still to get a new diaper on him, much less his jammies, and I couldn't talk him into cooperating with anything. After about 30 or 40 minutes of freebie late-night naked-time that extended way past his bed-time, I decided to crawl down the hall to the phone and see if a friend or even Ben from work could come and just please slap a disposable on him and lift him into his crib for me. (He's been going back and forth between his toddler bed and his crib, and my bed too, so I didn't much care where he slept, actually.) I didn't get far when Tyler announced he was ready for his diaper ("diaper on!") and so I put on a disposable right there on the floor, and he helped me get his jammies on. He didn't get to bed until after 9p.m. The pains got better around then, too. I've decided to keep my cell phone on me at all times from here on out.

I had wanted to go to LaLeche Tuesday night, too, but couldn't find anyone to watch him. While they allow you to bring your baby, loud and active 2-year-olds I'm not thinking would work well at the meetings. As it is I always get help getting him in and out of the car anymore, and even going down the street, well, not so much! As it turns out being home was best. But that was my last LaLeche opportunity before the new year. Kind of a bummer. I'm going to have to call the organizers to get local lactation consultants names.

It's highly frustrating, trying to explain to friends that don't have kids how impossible it is to do anything. They have no idea. Maybe I have too much of a sense of entitlement when I ask for help, perhaps I have the wrong attitude, it's certainly not very Buddhist of me to get so angry. Of course my friends have no idea how upset I get, because I don't haul off and yell or cry because I know I'm being a little crazy, you know? I've missed all the LaLeche meetings, I went to only 2 out of 6 prenatal yoga classes this last session, I haven't been able to make any of the latest book groups at the library, and missed all of the films being shown by OPCTJ, I haven't been to any DFA meetings since summer, my participation in the parents' group my friend and I started has dribbled down to nothing, I've only been out shopping with a friend once (with Tyler in stroller), and, well, this really gets to you after awhile. I'm afraid cabin fever will set in once I have the baby, so I'll be counting on getting visitors! The guest room is clean, except for the pile of toddler shoes in the corner, which I invite you to help sort and store! :-)

Dreamt it's a Boy!

2007-12-18T13:41:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamt I was in Walgreens with several coworkers and my boss, Steve, when I went into labor. I thought, gee, this is serious I'd better get home. But then I had the urge to push. Just as an experiment I pushed a little, and out popped the baby! Margaret wrapped it up in a blanket and announced "it's a boy!" I said "no, it's not." We went back and forth until I demanded to hold the baby myself and peek at its body. I was disappointed it wasn't a girl until Tyler came in and grabbd my face and did this thing he likes to do, where he puts his hands on either side fo your face and leans in until your foreheads are touching, and grinning the whole time. So I told him, "guess what--you got a little brother!" And he was thrilled. Then I named the baby one of our back-up names, and spent the rest of remaining dream moments trying to remember what the boy name was that we've picked.

Doctor Visit This Morning

2007-12-18T12:36:00.000-08:00

Still at 1 and a half centimeters, everything my body is doing is completely normal. Baby is quieter now that it's bigger, and deeper now that it's dropped, and they couldn't find the heartbeat on the monitor for the NST (non-stress test) and so they sent me over to the hospital for a hi tech NST (just walked down the street), the results of which were just fine and also reassuring. (It's scary to have them say "we can't find the heartbeat!") So from here on out I have to go over and get the NST at the old Prentice (ambulatory center) and then have a second appt with the doc. It's exhausting, but okay. The R.N. over at the clinic was just wonderful and we chatted the whole time. As a matter of fact, all the staff back at the doctor's office already know my name and greet me cheerfully and Ben remarked on it.

Yes, Ben came with me this time, and we had a written list of questions for the doc, and the doc was as usual great. We went over our birth plan w/ him, too. Last pregnancy the birth plan was an exhaustive two page document, now it's like 7 quick bullet points. The first bullet point made Dr. Arof laugh:

* Epidural: Yes, please!

Also, Dr. Arof is very, very supportive of our getting a doula.

We saw the woman who recommended the doctor to us there (one of two, actually)--I've been running into her at almost every appointment. She's a library patron and it was great to see her with Ben along since he's the "library guy." She was in for a fancy NST just like me, and told us she has a planned c-section tomorrow (it's her third child and third "C" so she doesn't have much choice). I'm a little envious she's getting her baby tomorrow!

Don't Worry

2007-12-18T12:31:00.000-08:00

I know my last post was pretty awful, but it really helped to vent. I went home and thought gee, that's just the sort of thing I usually don't tell anybody, and now I've told everybody! Blogging is a dangerous occupation! :-)

So I will try not to innundate you with negativity, and rest assured that I will keep plugging away at the house stuff.

Love to all...

Warning: Feeling Down Today

2007-12-17T13:08:00.000-08:00

I woke up angry and depressed after a dream which seems to be about my frustration lately. I was at a store, which strangely was converting to a library, trying to buy two DVDs for Ben for Christmas. Standing for a long time is a challenge for me and in the dream I was just as pregnant and just as much couldn't stand as I am in real life. The line kept seeming to grow and I suspected people were cutting in front of me whenever I spaced out. I switched lines only to find the line I left improved after I'd gone and my problem switched to the line I'd joined. I switched back, and suddenly couldn't approach the counter b/c they had put a wooden extension on it, so I had to slide thd DVDs over to them. They took my $50 bill, my birthday money by the way, and proceded to take the DVDs out of the plastic security cases and handed me the cases and walked away from the register. I tried to get them to come back, as they took all my money and didn't give me anything--DVDs or change! They all acted like I was crazy. In the meantime, Ben stood outside the plate glass window of the store asking "what's the holdup? let's get a move on here!"

I woke up really angry which switched swiftly over to feeling depressed, and I haven't shaken it all day. (I also woke with prelabor back pain.) Recently Ben and I have had some disagreements which I won't go into here, but let's just say our fears about the labor and desires about how it should go and who should attend are, um, different, and clashing. I am greatly afraid that after working so hard to get a new doctor and hospital, that Ben and I will end up with an on-call doctor and alone with no advocate at all, with birthing decisions being made for us by strange staff who won't be as friendly as promised, and no friends coming to see us since we chose a hospital way in the city, and because it's so close to the holidays and everyone's going out of town.

I've been researching doulas all along and have another one now that I like, but we'll see what happens. Also I have one friend who volunteered to come. I have another friend who is being very supportive and encouraging about getting a doula, and it really helps to talk to her. I'm going to act fast and make some decisions this week!!!

I'm also depressed because I feel so alone when it comes to making our home ready for baby. I have books scattered around the front living rooms and boxes to put them in so someone can tote them to the basement, sitting there for weeks. The Solstice Tree is still in it's box there, not up, no ornaments are out yet. The carpets all over the house are filthy and need a good vaccuming...or two. The kitchen is in such a state that there's no counter space to cook food, and I'm scrounging to feed me and Tyler alone evenings like we're camping out in our own home. And me with all my dietary restrictions and pathetic dizzy spells, I feel so stupid and weak. The bassinet and rocking chair are clean and ready in our bedroom, but ditto the carpet there, and the stacks of my clothes that need putting away are scary, and I have an undone project which involves moving dressers to switch with Ben and putting up shelves in the bathroom alcove and putting bathroom/pharmacy supplies and folded towels up there and clearing the walkway to the bathroom and picking up supplies that have migrated to the floor. And I'm losing my battle with the grout in the bathroom. I can't do this alone, I can't. I've never felt so out of control, so incapable, so much that my time is not my own (mostly Tyler's) and that all my wishes for my home are never ever going to happen. My dad is so busy between work travel and his mom/my grandmother who keeps falling and being taken back to the hospital, and Ben has a hernia combined with a reluctance to accept outside help, and between us two I'm the handy one, besides we've all been knocked over by this cold for the past month. Even if we hired someone to come clean it still could only affect a certain amount because they can't vaccum a pile of books that need sorting or know what goes to AmVets or into the trash or stored away. I need to hire a team like in the book A Patchwork Planet--do they even exist? It has snowed now, so I have to wait for Spring for the new window, and the new roof and gutters, which whenever the snow melts leaks again! And the storm windows that I want made. And new carpet in the front room. We need a plumber and an electrician, but I'm so embarrassed about my home I don't call. We are thinking we will cancel Christmas at our place this year, and our Solstice dinner too, just to not have to clean. I'm such a failure. How on earth will we take in guests when the baby comes? How can I bear it? We live like wolves. I'm so ashamed.

Nothing Yet

2007-12-14T12:59:00.001-08:00

Sorry, false alarm. Even tho I knew it was probably nothing, I just thought I might have the baby last night! And of course the doc said it was normal when I called and I felt a little foolish. I guess, even tho I know what the real, big, painful labor feels like from the first birth, I was induced, and have never had a natural progression of labor. I'm really enjoying others' labor stories right now, tho. So keep 'em comin'!

Significant Sign of Pre or Early Labor

2007-12-13T15:20:00.001-08:00

Just discovered what they call "bloody show"--getting excited! Asked my mom to stay w/ me this evening. Also am supposed to call the doctor. However, this could still go all month! Yikes!

Just a quick note. Hopefully more from me tomorrow. I need one more day at work to finish my work and some personal things. Just now ordered Solstice cards. So expect them late! :-)

So It Begins...!

2007-12-11T14:27:00.000-08:00

Big news from my doctor's appt this morning: I'm dilated 1 and a half centimeters! I told the doc this morning about the early labor, and he says that could go on for a month. I could stay at this dilation for weeks, and deliver on time, or I could go any time. He is comfortable with the baby's development now and if it comes it would not be "premature." He says at full term it will be about 8 pounds, and at the last ultrasound it was 6 and a half pounds, and in the 75th percentile for size. I didn't get the height, I will call them.

The baby has dropped but is not engaged, and likely won't entirely engage until full labor starts, as it often goes for second pregnancies. I am not yet effaced, he says the cervix is still "pretty thick." That will take time. But I must say, you know, it takes a lot of work to get rid of those centimeters. Any little bit I accomplish now, I think to myself, "yes! alright!"

Ben and I are very nervous and excited. I need to ramp up cleaning up my desk at work and getting the house ready for baby. 'Course I'm not sure what else to do, especially since I can't lift anything anymore! And solstice/x-mas presents are certainly not done, the cards aren't done! Get this: the doc is going on vacation over the holidays! Oh, no! But he'll be back the week of the 7th, my due date. So we're going to try to hold out until then. But you know, you never know!

I got a beautiful quilt from Ben's Aunt Agnes for the baby. It has beautiful Classic Pooh peices and two other fabric patterns with a floral aspect and very hip and bright colors with pale and muted shades of green and orange and purple and pink. I can't do it justice--it's lovely. Just seeing it got me excited.

I'm working on chrocheting little mittens to go with the bunting I got, so I'd better get cracking on those! They are already pretty cute. They are only half done.

More Sickness Being Passed Back and Forth

2007-12-10T10:43:00.000-08:00

Tyler had a light cough, I was miserable with it, and Ben seemed completely well, when last week Tyler seemed to pick up a new strain from a little boy at daycare. He immediately passed it on to Ben, of course. I'm still going along as I have. This weekend Tyler was much worse. Constant drainage, puffiness, difficulty breathing during the night and at naps and when he eats, congestion, and a fever of 101.4 on Friday and again Saturday. I put on White Christmas, a 40s Bing Crosby movie, and he sat lethargically in my arms on the couch and watched it with me. He likes the dancing and singing. (I think we have a musicals fan on our hands.) Poor kid was just miserable when he woke up this morning.

What They Call Pre-Labor

2007-12-09T10:48:00.000-08:00

Saturday night I got painful, crampy contractions that spanned around the lower belly and the lower back, that would come, build up to painful, then fade, and came regularly for about 2 hours, then tapered off. I got pretty excited/panicky until I read in What to Expect When You're Expecting that this falls under "prelabor" and can go on for as much as a month! So, completely normal, especially in 2nd pregnancies. Have a few other things they list under "prelabor." It's confusing to figure out what's what, between prelabor, false labor, early labor, and first stage labor.

Prelabor Nightmare

2007-12-09T10:00:00.000-08:00

So I had some of this prelabor off and on during the night, and had a whole string of nightmares spanning from a dog that was all over me, to a serial killer woman with a knife coming into the house, to being in detention in a boarding school and having my belongings seized by the secret police, to being diagnosed with a virulent cancer, to rescuing Tyler from drowning when a strange women snuck in and tried to give him a bath. All clearly anxiety-driven.

The first nightmare seemed to be about the labor, symbolically. In the dream it was pitch black, and I couldn't see. (A recurring fear of mine.) In the dark there was a big dog, and he was excited about me, and kept trying to approach me. I couldn't tell if it wanted to hurt me or just jump on me in excitement, or whether in its excitement it would forget to be gentle and take to eating me after all. I heard Ben's voice reassuring me that it was a great dane, a "gentle giant" and wouldn't hurt, but I was so afraid I would get hurt. And my nervousness was making the dog nervous. (In real life I love great danes.) But in the dream, I wasn't reassured, and thought we don't know what kind of canine it is, and whether it is carniverous. That night, as I was having the dream, Ben woke me up as I was whimpering in my sleep. This happened more than once, as I kept falling asleep back into the same dream, blending Ben's reassurances into his voice in the dream. I knew instinctively that the dog symbolized my imminent labor.

"Mom-Mom's yucky!"

2007-12-06T08:49:00.000-08:00

This is something I should send in to the bloopers/kids say the darnest things section of Parents magazine: Tyler has begun to declare "Mom-Mom yucky!" whenever I have one of my hacking cough and throat clearing sessions. Sometimes he imitates me, too!

In an embarrassing development, I now seem to have no bladder control when I cough. In the past two days I went through 6 pairs of undies and 2 pants yesterday. Ben was doing laundry for me last night when he got the brilliant idea that I should wear some pads. Imagine. Next he'll be doing brain surgery...on me!

I don't know why this new development. It's terribly embarrassing! My only guess is that the baby's head is pressing down now when it wasn't before. Ben thinks I'm just "loosening up." Sure it is that I am!

I'm going to a friend's holiday movie watching party next weekend. If she reads this entry, I wonder if I will find plastic sheets over the chairs! Tee hee hee!

I Hate Being Sick

2007-12-05T11:11:00.000-08:00

Have I mentioned I hate being sick??? How much credit can I get toward complaining? I coughed all night and woke up with a head-splitter of an ache cutting through my left eye, left temple, over my skull and down into my neck on the left. My teeth ache from all the cough drops. Being sick means more smells bother me again and I'm neaseaus more often. Imagine what gagging does to my headache and throat. Imagine what all the coughing is doing to my nightly heartburn. When laying down, when I cough I can feel my pelvis bones, which are loose, move against each other in a creepy way. The only way to keep them still, and prevent a painful pull on the stretched muscles in my groin/lower abdomen, is to tuck up my legs against my belly whenever I cough at night. I can't take anything and the little bit that they allow me doesn't do a thing. (Ben ran out twice to get me things, giving up dinner and going again in the middle of the night. I can't bear to tell him he went to all that effort and it's not working.) I'm at work today and people keep asking if I'm better. That would be a big "NO." Why do they ask? I have now used up all of my PTO days and am eating into unpaid days. This s-u-c-k-s.

P.S. My mom and dad have the same thing. Ben seems all better. Tyler is a trooper and tho he coughs, seems better than all of us. Certainly more cheerful despite having a zombie for a mommy.

P.P.S. And it really s-u-c-k-s that I don't have any friends who can come over and help at a moment's notice.

P.P.P.S. And poor Tyler has chosen now as the time to strike out on his own and sit in his own chair for a bedtime story and sleep in his toddler bed on his own. But he needs a lot of reassurance. I'm so worried I'm falling short of what he needs!

P.P.P.P.S. And when on earth am I going to be able to get Tyler some snow boots?

Another Quickie Ultrasound

2007-12-04T10:57:00.000-08:00

This morning had another quickie ultrasound in the doc's office. They are being super careful about me and baby. Good news: baby is now head-down. No more worries about breech birth! Also growth is fine, baby is 75 percentile for growth. Doc is happy. I lost a couple pounds, attributed to being sick. Also had another NST (non-stress test) where they track baby movements for 20 minutes. An aside: Got a face mask in the lobby and coughed into that the whole time. I'm sure the other moms appreciated this; I would have. It's a pet peeve of mine; I hate it when people cough on me when I'm clearly pregnant and vulnerable! I wanted to skip appt but they insisted they wanted to see me.

Questions for next week:
How many more ultrasounds?/Why all the ultrasounds?
Is baby "engaged" yet?
How to get tour of hospital for my parents?
Are low-grade cramps okay?
Are constant braxton-hicks any indication that I could go early? (What of all the 2nd-time moms telling me they went early?)

Another Quickie Ultrasound: Photo

2007-12-04T10:09:00.000-08:00

This is a profile of the baby's more chubby face, with the baby facing to the left. Look for the outline of the forehead down to the nose, and the lips and chin, along the left.

Now I Have It!

2007-12-03T13:56:00.000-08:00

I've just been miserable since coming down w/ Ben's coughing cold. Tyler has it too but not so bad. Ugh. Yuck. Please please let this be over soon.

That Cough Going Around

2007-11-30T08:38:00.000-08:00

These past weeks I've been distracted and very tired, and I've neglected the blog. Earlier in the month a headcold worked its way through the family, then Ben just sort of stayed sick, or it developed, or something, into something else. He got this dry hacking cough that was worse at night, and I am coughing a bit and Tyler has struggled with the cough, too, a few nights, though not nearly as bad. Poor Ben. And poor me. I had to move out into the guest room. Reason being that the guest room is right next to Tyler's room and that way Ben would not keep him up, either, and I could hear Tyler through the wall. (And vice versa.)

I feel terrible about sending Ben out into the windy cold to rake the leaves on Sunday last. Monday was the last pick-up day for leaves on our block, so everybody was out Sunday raking leaves. It was fun, in a freezing kind of way, because we could say hello and chat with neighbors. The best part of having friendly neighbors is chatting over hedges during yardwork. I love saying "hi" to Amanda and Byron to the south, and seeing their kids Harry (3 yrs) and Marion (4 months). I put a baby gate up on the porch and Tyler and I came out to play with his garbage truck (Tyler) and hang solstice lights up around the porch (Mom-Mom) and make the wind chimes sound (back to Tyler) and yell over the porch wall to Daddy-O.

Tyler needs some toy garden implements this spring, including a rake. We were about to venture out into the yard when a freezing rain started. Ben was "almost" done with the front yard, had already finished the back yard, so finished up before coming in. He got soaked, and came in shivering. He changed then collapsed in bed for a short nap, and woke up with a fever. That night the cough was worse than ever, and on Monday he called in sick. I was so worried that it was strep or walking pneumonia, but he breathes just fine and his tongue is fine. I found him a doctor to call but he felt it wasn't necessary, and there's no convincing him. Anyway, several people I've talked to have had a dry night cough too that lasted a long time (up to a month), so there's something going around. I took Tyler in to day-care early Tuesday so Ben could stay in bed, and drove everybody to day-care/work Wednesday. By now Ben's back at work and no longer coughs at night, but I'm very protective of him.

Unfortunately, now Nana and Gampa seem to be sick, but we can't tell yet that it's the same thing. Friend Michelle and family also all sick with headcold symptoms. I hope they didn't get it from us. It's an icky season!

I began to feel really desperate this past week, because there's so much to do around the house and I felt entirely incapable of tackling anything. I'm so tired, and have been so worried about Ben, and had to care for Tyler, including when he coughed himself awake at night, and my back kills me when I do dishes so I neglect them, and the laundry, and bending over to pick up anything is a major challenge. And there's furniture I want moved around and the x-mas tree brought up and everyone is too busy to come help. I draw nearer and nearer to having this baby and I don't feel prepared. It's too easy to get negative about things when I feel this way.

What cheers me up--the only thing--is throwing myself into being very loving to Tyler. So much so that he's come to expect me to stroke his hair or cheek with my fingertips in quiet moments, and we do a lot of reading and singing, which the baby also seems to enjoy. So, there's the silver lining.

Poor Ben, tho: I expect he'd like into that silver lining, too. It's just so hard for me, my emotions are all over the place and I have so many aches and pains that I'm very irritable, especially when I do my best to be even-keeled both at work (with mixed success) and for Tyler's sake especially, that I don't have much left for Ben. He feels terribly neglected. I come home and I don't want to be breathed on nor touched, and my temper is short and unpredictable. But this is I think the way it is with pregnancy. For me, or most commonly I'm willing to bet. We make sacrifices and compromises and hope that our marriage and family is strong enough to take it, you know? Seems as if there are others who seem to live in a la la la perfect life, but that's no one I know well, nor want to know. As one of my favorite poets said, if this is what it is to be human, to experience a full life, then I'm willing to muscle through it. (Lucille Clifton, whose daughter died of cancer, and who came to read from her new (then) book, Blessing the Boats.)

Meeting All the Doctors

2007-11-27T10:27:00.000-08:00

Today I met doctor #3 in the practice who could be on call when I go into labor. He was very nice but quiet. Last week I met a female doctor in the practice and she was very cheerful. Turns out she's friends with my last doctor and so she called in a favor and got them to fax over my records by contacting my old doctor personally. Otherwise I still haven't received my copy of the records that I ordered officially. (I'd still like my own copy to come, but the important thing now is my new doc has them.)

It's really strange driving into the city every Tuesday morning for these appointments. It's really not too bad, the traffic is busy but not congested, and I've never been more than a few minutes late. Then I go straight from there in to work. Next week, another quick ultrasound. I'm going to ask how many they plan to do and why. I don't mind, the last one was less than 10 minutes, not like the early ones where they were taking a long time measuring everything. We do need to see that the baby is no longer breech, and they are tracking it's growth due to the diabetes and all that.

BTW, I'm feeling better since I've been checking my ketones (a.k.a. peeing on sticks), upping my carb intake a little and keeping my blood sugar from getting too low. Also, I gained back a few pounds.

A Fun Weekend!

2007-11-19T13:55:00.000-08:00

Saturday night my friend Michelle and I combined our birthdays for a joint party. We were pretty disappointed that, even counting ourselves and our spouses, there were only 8 people there. We came close to canceling several times. In the end we made it a super-casual pajama party and ordered pizza, to make our lives as easy as possible. And I cheated as much as possible on the cleaning!

It turned out to be just the right mix of people, and I had a great time. We played board games, and talked music and MST3K shows and other things in common, and turns out Brett and Ben both juggle so they practiced handing off and knocking balls all over the place. Before his own bedtime Tyler came down in his jammies and charmed everyone, handing toys to Auntie Michelle and giggling at Ann who, he was disappointed to see, did not have her vampire teeth in (last time he saw her it was Halloween), and demanding playtime and book readings from his "Uncle" Kevin, who he dragged around by the hand and told where to sit. He never cried or was overwhelmed by the people and played by himself while we talked adult talk. I made a diabetic cake, a fudgy zucchini cake that was absolutely delicious and I had a whole peice and my blood sugar was fine! I had so much fun.

Sunday was a friend's baby shower, and I got to see several old friends I haven't seen in a while, and chat with several other very pregnant women my age, and sit and eat and play the baby shower games while Ben chased Tyler everywhere. Not the same high as my party, but a great time was had. I was out and about and social and it felt good.

I must say I felt like a whole person and everything, not just a fatigued vessel waiting to give birth and move on, you know? I got my hair cut on Saturday and it looks great. I even had some romantic moments w/ my husband, who I usually push away, poor guy, as I feel so unattractive and unlovable and grumpy and tired all the time. I even had a moment when I looked at my figure in the big bathroom mirror before my shower and thought, I look pretty good pregnant--certainly not a model ready for Fit Pregnancy magazine or something, but like . . . my big belly makes sense this way, I'm sort of like a whole picture, in context, in focus for once. If you understand me. It's hard to explain. But, for a moment, I felt nice. Or maybe it was the haircut, heh heh heh.

Overall it was an awesome weekend.

Gestational Diabetes Consultation Friday

2007-11-17T13:25:00.000-08:00

Met with this other doctor on Friday. An M.D. endocrinologist and diabetes doctor. He was so dry and pale and socially awkward, he reminded me very much of Garrison Keillor's description of the "indehiscent Lutherans" of Lake Wobegon! He was nice and slow and methodical and very, well, dry. Anyway, he wants to monitor my finger pricks and added a several times daily pee-stick procedure of checking for spilled ketones (protein) in the urine. (This is important b/c the carbs help absorbtion of the ketones into the body, and the ketones are instrumental in brain power, and especially in the neurological development of the fetus! As the doc explained it, and if I got it right.) I'm going to be filling out a chart for him and faxing it to his office. He says I'm losing too much weight and that, especially in the morning, not eating enough carbs and letting my blood sugar get too low. I didn't think that was possible, but it makes sense that there's a healthy range I should shoot for. Duh! It also explains my light-headedness and shakiness before lunch.

Remind me never to make another appointment in the city on a Friday afternoon. I hit rush hour, and it was an hour just getting out of the city before even hitting the highway! I missed dinner but was there for Tyler's bathtime. Luckily I thought ahead and grabbed a sandwich at the hospital cafe before hitting the road. Eight miles an hour is a nice speed for driving w/ one hand and eating w/ the other, on the straightaway of the highway, mind you. Not the city. Yikes.

In other doctor-related news, turns out my old doc hasn't sent my medical records not because they are dragging their feet but because they have a "procedure" for that. I called asking why they didn't fax over the records to the new doc. I also asked if I could stop by and pick them up. But instead what I had to do was stop by and fill out a complicated release form. Thank goodness I took Friday afternoon off for the other doctor's appointment, because it's only on Mondays that they have this service come in to scan in medical records. Then this service takes my complicated form and prints from their scans all the appropriate records I have requested, at like 13 cents per page. Sheesh. Then the service mails them out. I'm having it sent to my house so I can make myself a back-up copy! Sheesh, again! I will deliver to the new doc myself by hand.

What made it all nicer was the sparkling young man in charge of the medical records at the doctor's office, who remembered me from my phone call and came out to take my form personally. Gabriel. Yum.

"Biiiiiiiiig Mom-Mom!"

2007-11-15T14:08:00.000-08:00

Tyler has a new nickname for me, and it's hilarious.

Tyler has learned the meanings of big, medium, and little. Most often this is used to describe his dump trucks (he has three, one in each size.)

A few days ago he comes over and climbs up by me, puts his hands on my shoulders and declares "BIIIIIIIIG Mom-Mom!" This morning he did it again. What makes it really funny is the way he stresses the word "big" with excitement and a masculine (as much as he can at 2 years of age) oomph to his voice, like he does about the dump truck or diggers in his books.

"BIIIIIG Mom-Mom!"

Mild Concern About Breech Position

2007-11-14T14:02:00.000-08:00

This morning I laid in bed for an hour feeling the baby move around. It was actually a little painful. "She" climbed around, and went sideways, and seemed to flip with the feet kicking my stomach, which is where they should get to. But baby didn't stay there. I was sore, and she was very very quiet for a while afterward. I'm wondering whether there's any issue, such as a too-short umbilical cord, which might restrict movement while the placenta is at the top of the uterus. Doctors these days don't like to deliver breech, even tho it can be and has been done. If we have to have a c-section I will want someone to hold my hand once Ben goes off with the baby. But we'll see. I'm being premature, and a future ultrasound will answer this later on.

32-Week Update Ultrasound

2007-11-13T12:24:00.000-08:00

My new doctor wanted an ultrasound to check growth and position. The baby is still breech, but there's still time to turn around. (The placenta is up high.) Growth is normal.

The heartbeat is 144 per minute. At this stage the baby should be about 11 inches long and 4-1/2 lbs, tho I didn't get exact measurements. I asked tho for pictures of the feet. See my next entry for those!

Then I had a non-stress test (or an NST) where they strap on a belt and record the heartbeat in squigglies on graph paper and you lie there and doze. The heartbeat is so strong! And the baby kicked constantly!

Instead of dozing, I read an article in Entertainment Weekly about the negotiations between New Line Cinema and Peter Jackson over the possible making of The Hobbit (which I totally stole). I have my fingers and toes crossed that PJ gets to direct, and brings with him Weta Digital and Weta Workshop special effects, and art consultants Alan Lee and John Howe, again. Can you imagine Lucasfilm sucking the soul out of it? Or Sam Ramie turning it into a Spiderman blockbuster? I shudder to think!

I visited with the doctor and asked him about the heart-pounding and dizzy spells I've been getting, plus a ringing in my ears. He says it's all related. I can't make as much sense here as he did, but I was impressed again by his bedside manner. I told him it didn't feel normal but he said that he really didn't mean to sound like he was dismissing my feelings, but that it is "normal"--which is a good thing--that this is something that can happen more often in second pregnancies. My blood has doubled, and my abdominal/pelvic floor muscles that were stretched with the first pregnancy are not as strong. So what happens is that when I lay back, slouch, or lean back in the glider w/ Tyler on my lap, the uterus presses on a couple of essential arteries and my heart, which is already working harder than usual, has an even harder time, and my blood pressure drops. This explains how I got dizzy just singing songs to Tyler to put him to bed. The ringing in the ears is part of a related phenomenon that's not uncommon, sometimes I can hear my blood pumping in my ears, too. Unlike other doctors before him, he reviewed positions I've been in and how to alter them to take the pressure off. For instance, I've been laying on the couch feeling faint a lot, but I should be on my side instead. Salt makes it worse. More water makes it better. This is somthing I have to manage.

Next week I meet another of the practice who may be on-call when I deliver. And get another NST.

P.S. My old doctor's office never sent my medical records over. So now I have to go through the awkward discomfort of calling them up to explain and possibly picking them up in person--yuck!

32-Week Update Ultrasound Photos

2007-11-13T11:58:00.000-08:00

1st photo: Baby's feet! Taken from the bottom of the feet, one overlapping the other. Can you see it? If not, proceed to...
2nd photo: Here the feet are outlined, thanks to publishing technology (copy machine and a sharpy!). Go back and forth and see if you can make out the feet without help.

3rd photo (below): This is a teaser! The feet again, and the baby's butt is visible below them. Can you tell the gender??? Yeah, me neither!

4th photo (below): Brains! Kinda creepy!

5th photo (below): a blurry face and hands up by the chest.

Tyler Makes Request of Scumby

2007-11-07T11:03:00.000-08:00

So Tyler and I were lounging, (we are both getting over colds) and he pulled up my shirt to say "hello Scumby!", pat my belly (a little too exhuberantly) and make "aaaah" sounds with his mouth on the belly (his version of a raspberry).

Next, he surprised me by saying "Hellooooo, Scumby! I love you! Come out!" followed by giving Scumby a good few wacks!

We Have a New Doctor!!!

2007-11-06T12:03:00.000-08:00

This will come as a big relief not just to me and Ben but especially to my mom and mother-in-law: We've chosen a new doctor. He comes recommended by both a surgeon and a pregnant woman, both friendly patrons at the library where Ben works. We think Dr. Arof is really great, and he's already started working on my case. My records are being transfered over today. I have an appointment next week for a 32-week ultrasound and a non-stress test, and he wants to see me weekly.

We were impressed right away by the friendliness of all the staff, from receptionist to nurses, and the homey environment of the waiting room and exam rooms. The exam room also had a consulting desk and cabinets in wood, and shelves with family photos, and the walls had four boards filled with pictures of the doctor with various newborn babies and parents. I've never seen anything like it. There are only five doctors in the practice (instead of the multitudes at the other practices we've seen) and I can meet them all personally before the birth so that I know whoever might be on call before labor, which is really good. Dr. Arof has a great bedside manner, and while he didn't actually say anything different in the end from what the other doctors we've seen have said (he doesn't want me to go beyond the due date and may induce if I do, etc.) he said it differently. The last doc at Prentice we saw was all disclaimers and anxiety, but this doc was relaxed and communicative. And said he would try to help me have a different birth experience than I had last time. And while the last doc we saw wouldn't examine me unless she had my records "for legal reasons," this doc gave me a full exam and talked in depth about the care I could receive from here on out. Also, you might be surprised that I've chosen a man and not a woman doctor. Well, when rotating through the various doctors the three days I was in labor with Tyler, the one who impressed me most, the one who made them let me walk the halls with my IV pole and ordered real food for me, was a man. He was so nice. So I abandoned my rule about only women Ob/Gyn docs. In theory it's a good basis; a woman doc for women's issues. But not necessarily a guiding principle anymore. We are really impressed with this doctor.

This also means that I'm having the baby at Prentice Women's Hospital in Chicago, in the new building, which we toured recently (and I reported on in this blog last month). As Ben says, and he wants credit for this quote, "This is the most shi-shi, frou-frou, la-la hospital in the Chicagoland area we could possibly find!" And he's right. I'm going to schedule a tour for my parents and maybe drag along a friend. It's a very impressive facility, and the entire building is focused on women's health and there are no scary back hospital hall mazes to wind through to find the L&D unit, you enter the front door like a queen. Or a five-star hotel guest. Check out: http://www.grandhopening.org/tour-slideshow.html

I'm excited now about giving birth, and am really interested to see how the experience goes, and feel more awake and involved than I have been--much more "up." Dr. Arof also connected me immediately with a gestational diabetes expert to help me get a handle on my blood sugar levels and nutrition (a consulting doctor associate) and I'm very pleased to have some guidance in that area. I feel energized, and am ready to attend La Leche League meetings now before the birth, and find and schedule a lactation consultant to do a house call after the birth. I can cross reference the list of references from La Leche with the list from Prentice's on-staff lactation consultants. And Ben and I are very seriously considering a doula, and I have a handful of leads already on that score. Though, this will be expensive! The hospital is expensive, the parking is killer, the lactation consultant won't be cheap and a doula can run up to a thousand, tho I've heard of discount rates for doula's in training, as low as $400. But honestly, I'd pay anything to ensure a better experience, and especially to get the breastfeeding latch right this time around. You know, I'm a list-maker, and next I will make a shorter bullet-point birth plan (easier to refer to than last time), and make a list of what to pack for the hospital, and all that. Woo woo! Let's go!

Dreaming of Labor

2007-11-04T14:05:00.000-08:00

Over the weekend I dreamed that I was going into labor, and Ben and both my parents were for some reason coming with me. I didn't have a doctor yet and we went into the city to Prentice to try to get in anyway. The bottom floor was an elaborate, rich mall with futuristic elevators that were tubes. We tried to sweet-talk our way past a receptionist, and at that moment all the receptionists went on strike. I talked her into giving us a free pass to ride the tube elevator up before she left. Getting up there was a little harrowing as the tube was small, then I was climbing up a vertical slope with small hand-holds to skip a long line, but just when I thought I would fall Ben pulled me the rest of the way up! Then we were in a hallway and I had a gurney but no room yet. And the hall was full of elderly patients on gurneys, and I thought it was a bad idea to deliver there in the hall. The labor was really hurting now and I was seen by a nice male, Indian doctor. Then I snuck into the L&D unit but again found a bed in a row of beds in an outer area where there were like 6 of us giving birth simultaneously. Mom brought me a stuffed animal.

Revenge of the GD

2007-10-29T13:39:00.000-07:00

Gestational Diabetes has hit me with a vengeance. Last week I began tracking my diet and blood sugar levels via finger prick, and I'm having a hard time keeping my levels where they should be. I'm cracking down now because I really don't want to be put on insulin shots! I'm disappointed that I can no longer eat with gusto like I've been doing for awhile now since the nausea faded away. It's been enjoyable, I never had that in my first pregnancy. Unfortunately I'm beginning to wonder if the GD is worse this time, just like the morning sickness was worse earlier on. The things I used to eat when I had GD in the first pregnancy are not working so well this time. I have no idea what to eat for breakfast, for instance. Used to be one bowl of Cheerios did the trick with a sugar-free yogurt snack mid-morning, and now the Cheerios give me headaches and the Atkins yogurt is no longer available. A scrambled egg for some reason made me feel really ill. I'm a bit lost, but I'll figure it out. I'm 30 weeks now, so I only have 10 weeks to go, so that's good. So the strict GD diet and blood sugar maintainance should just be the last two months. That's not so terrible. Last time it was much longer. Tho I am sorry to miss all the Halloween goodies, and the inability to eat pumkin pie is killing me!

Baby Crazy

2007-10-28T14:12:00.000-07:00

We had a toddler party today, what we called a Not-So-Scary Halloween Playdate. The kids came in costume and lots of parents came from our parent's group, Moms & Dads of a Different Kind. It was really great, actually, and Tyler handled it very well! One couple brought their 5-month-old baby girl in a little ladybug costume and she was sooooo beautiful. I was too shy to ask to hold her but she held my finger and said "ahhhhh" at me and gave me big, big smiles as I cooed at her. I really want to get my hands on some babies now. Primarily my new baby-to-come, but in the meantime....

Political Rally Tests Limits

2007-10-27T13:52:00.000-07:00

Went to a politial rally on Saturday, as part of a number of nation-wide, simultaneous rallies and marches to end the war in Iraq and bring the troops home. I took Tyler on the train into Chicago with my friend Alice and we met up with Ben (despite a crowd of thousands) at Federal Plaza. Tyler and I pointed out the stars on the policemen's uniforms and got some guarded smiles and waves even tho they were trying to look tough, and it was cute to see them crack their blank cop-faces with irrisistable half-grins at Tyler. (They were scary, with swat-team accessories, but Tyler doesn't know that.) Ben went to the early rally (Tyler's naptime) then the long march to the second rally point. I'm glad I skipped it. The short walk to the train station, up and down stairs and ramps, and standing around the rally was a challenge for me. By the end of the trip I was stopping every 10 feet to relax a braxton-hicks contraction. Those are constantly happening now. I feel like I could go anytime, tho I'm sure that's not going to happen.

Dreaming of Meat...

2007-10-24T10:20:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamed my truck was stuck in the snow and a friend and I walked to the nearest shelter, an expensive restaurant. I ordered vegetable briami (a Greek dish) and instead they brought me an assortment of meat. Of course, after making me wait for a zillion years first. Anyway, I was tasting all the various meats, and I didn't like them, but I felt compelled to eat them.

Then today I got a call from my doc, who says my bloodwork came in and that it shows I'm low in iron, so they called in a prescription for me to get a supplement right away. Hhhmmm.

And is it coincidence I'm eating Boca Crumbles in my spaghetti nowadays? And craving ice, another symptom.

Anyway, I'm going to lunch at Panera and this time I'm having broccoli-cheese soup and the mushroom panini sandwhich. BTW, did you know their broccoli-cheese soup is NOT vegetarian? Yeah, there's chicken stock. Shhhhhhhh!!!! Don't tell anybody!!!!!! This is just our secret, okay? This is just between you, me, and the baby, who gets anything it wants.

Third Ult.Snd./Fetal Echo-Cardiogram, Gives Good News

2007-10-22T12:38:00.000-07:00

On Monday afternoon, completing 29 weeks and beginning my 30th, I went to a follow-up ultrasound at Northwestern in the city with Dr. Sabbagha, "The Guy" for fancy ultrasounds and head of the Ob/Gyn UltraSound department. I invited my dad, both to help out with Tyler in tow, and also to share the ultrasound experience. Mom got to come to the last one, and I didn't want him to miss out.

Anyway, this one was a follow-up to the last one, where they couldn't get a good-enough look at the heart, and where they saw choroid plexus cysts in the forming brain. (I mispelled that in the last update. Now I've got my paperwork handy!) The reason why these two factors freaked out the doctors is that, in addition to my having a mildly elivated risk of downs from the earlier blood work, the presence of choroid plexus cysts can be indicative of downs when also combined with abnormalities of the heart. You see, the plexus are related to blood flow to the brain, it was explained to me Monday. However, choroid plexus cysts are not uncommon, and resolve themselves naturally. It is only when they see both the cysts and the heart abnormalities that they will push the downs panic button. Hence the fetal echo-cardiogram.

The good news is that not only have the cysts resolved themselves completely, but the heart, all four chambers, and the flow in and out, is completely normal! To summerize, what this means is that, while my "advanced" age (ha ha) and some otherwise not uncommon protein levels (proteins "free-beta hCG" and "PAPP-A") in my blood are sometimes associated with a risk of downs syndrome, all of the ultrasounds, including a measurement of the nuchal translucency (pocket of fluid along the back of the spine at the neck), a check for skeletal dysplasia, and a fetal echo-cardiogram come up completely normal. The upper lip is also normal, and there is no sign of spina bifida. Ben and I have chosen to forego amniocentesis, which would give us a definitive answer to all this but we feel is too invasive for our taste, and besides which we have passed the Illinois limit of 22 weeks for termination--should we have chosen to do so. So, it's full steam ahead from here on out!

Whew! Okay, you can put away your medical dictionaries!

It feels good to just be done with this scary stage of testing. We'll get what we get, and we'll love what we get, and I look forward to having that baby in my arms finally!

Tyler was an absolute pleasure all day. We took him to an early morning appointment with a doc we are considering switching to at Prentice, then he had an early nap with worked well as he was in the best of moods for the afternoon ultrasound. My dad, goddess bless him (tee hee), picked us up and was a fantastic support throughout! Ben was at work waiting for word, which came pretty late because it took something like 45 minutes in the waiting room to start!

Tyler was playful and had cheerios and juice, climbed all over the furniture and his stroller, danced to the waiting room music and sang for us. He also admired the "big pumpkin" which was full of candy and which I put out of reach. He showed off for a mother-daughter pair who shared the cosy waiting room, and made up a game where he would run toward their couch, stop suddenly and freeze (looking for a reaction), then walk backwards toward his Gampa who would "catch" him in a bear hug and tickle his neck with his mustache to delightful toddler giggles until Tyler would "break free" and run toward the women's couch again. He danced for them and sang snippets of his latest song, "The Sun Is a Mass of Incandescent Gas" by They Might Be Giants (which of course no-one recognized so I sang some of it with him).

This was I think my second most uncomfortable ultrasound, the first being my first ultrasound when I was pregnant with Tyler. This technician was the only one to insist on my taking my pants down to an embarrassing degree, and ruined my clothes with repeated and generous applications of the goop they squeeze over your belly. She pushed hard on my stomach and it still hurt the next day, and she asked me to lay on both sides and my hip got out of joint and didn't recover until the next day. She also was snippy about my bringing my son and his big fancy stroller into the room with me, but I didn't budge on that point!!! (I DID ask permission when I made the appointment, mind you!) Tyler tried hard to get up to the equipment which was a big no-no, and wanted me to hold him the whole time, which of course I couldn't do. They had a big wide screen on the wall where we all could watch the ultrasound, which was really cool. Dad says it was worth taking off of work and that it was very meaningful to him to see the baby in utero wiggling around, his next grandchild. Tyler had only one meltdown when he was convinced that I was being hurt. Usually at the Doc's Ben lifts him up and I smile and say hi and he is reassured. Didn't work this time. Gampa had to take him out when he really began to scream "Mom Mom!" over and over. I hear tho that as soon as they got out to the big hallway beyond the waiting room, he took off running up and down happily and gave my dad quite the workout. After they left the technician seemed to warm up to me a bit and described everything I was seeing and even helped me clean up and sit up too. But I was sort of down at the time and had trouble mustering up the oohs and ahhs. I had read the report from the last ultrasound that they gave me to bring to this place, and they had blamed the inability to see the heart on "fetal positioning and maternal BMI." Yeah, my fat. Which wasn't a problem for any of Tyler's ultrasounds and I'm no heavier than I was. Anyway, I took it personally, and every painful dig she gave my belly I took a little personally, so that I nearly teared up. And of course I was so worried about those cysts and the baby's heart.

I was so glad Dr. Sabbagha came in himself to review the new report with me that very day. It was such a relief! (I won't be surpised by an extra bill, however. Our talk with Dr. Pergament, the fancy-fancy downs-screening ultrasound head guy from the 13-week ulstrasound, cost us $300 in a separate bill!) I asked him lots of questions about the cysts and the heart and other organs, and also about the baby's size and growth progress. He estimates that the baby will be under 8 pounds if it progresses as it has been. The funniest part was how sweetly flustered the older man was, because by this time Gampa and Tyler were back and full of energy (or at least Tyler was). I introduced them and he said "oh, that's the little boy causing all the ruckus!" He stuck his hand out in a vague way, as if he wasn't sure whether to shake my hand or Gampa's, so I took it of course. In the end he seemed to think my dad was the baby's father, asking him his height as he marvelled about how tall Tyler is at only 2 years old. He was sharp at reading the report and talking about the ultrasound, but was distracted by Tyler and seemed glad to leave, and I just thought that was hilarious. If he'd had us come into an office and sit down, I'd have had Tyler in his stroller alongside, and would have been much more quiet as we had been with Dr. Pergament. But that's okay. I was glad to get out of there, too.

Dad topped the afternoon off with a cookie for Tyler and a scone and tea for me for the ride back through the city, cozy in the car against a cold wind coming off the green, choppy water of Lake Michigan--which we could see from the medical building right on the shore, and then down Michigan Avenue with all the sites to see, past Water Tower and Millenium Park and the art museum lions.

Third UltraSound Photos

2007-10-22T12:30:00.000-07:00

There are only two this time. The first is really good, it's a profile of the head, with the knuckles just showing against the forehead (that's what that little row of blobs are). The second is the arm, and you can clearly see the elbow up to the hand and fingers. The rest is sort of fuzzy.

Dreaming of Salsa

2007-10-19T10:14:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt that I was meeting with other polical operatives--I was one for Hillary--in a hotel room for a pow wow, during a convention, and Hillary came and gave us a pep talk, then rode away on a horse like some kind of western hero, and there was a fantastic spread laid out for us. I was just as pregnant in the dream as I am right now. There were two trays, big ones, and the center had 4 kinds of salsa from hot to mild, and around the outside there were chips, beans, fried plantains, and potato stuffed tamales like at the New Rebozo, my favorite Mexican restaurant. The tray was this nice black tray with angled edges, with inner trays laid in also black with the same edges. I was ga ga about the food, especially the mild salsa made of fresh tomatoes, onions, and cilantro (just like my brother makes by hand) and I couldn't get enuf. It was so yummy! So, get this. There were two guys and a gal, and the beefy jock type guy decides to take a shower, and the other guy, who is actually an actor but I can't remember his name, and the gal turn their backs. So, one tray is empty, and I have to leave. So I totally stole the other tray, and went waddling as fast as my pregnant body would let me balancing this unweildy tray, through the hotel, through the conference, and got a far as the pool outside before they caught me! They were saying "I can't believe she stole the tray! I can't believe it! She stole the tray!" And the gal ran me down (she was a little, athletic thing) and tackled me out by the pool! I was so embarassed. But man, I wanted all the salsa and other goodies to myself. I was feeling really insane about it. Like I was driven to it. I had salsa on the brain. When I woke up, I could smell and taste the salsa! I'm going to try to talk Ben into going out to New Rebozo tonight. Wish me luck!

Waffles for Tyler, Kudos for Ben

2007-10-19T08:14:00.000-07:00

I'm waffling, as they say, about my decision to come clean with my doc today. Mom says I ought not to burn that bridge until I have another doctor, that I have to have a doctor in case something comes up. It's a valid concern. I don't know. It's so hard! I'm so loathe to hurt the doc's feelings, because I do feel she cares about my care. So I'm going to be a little wimpy and say it's because I don't want to go to West Sub and not her fault, altho I will be honest about how I felt my delivery of Tyler went badly under the care of her practice w/ the other doctors on call. They have to learn from this after all. She's not going to be happy. Why would she be? It's like a break-up, and I always hated hurting others or confrontations. Ben is sweet and says he'll tell her for me, but if I'm considering returning to her as my future Ob/Gyn, I want to "do right" by her, whatever that means. But I may not tell her today. I'm still going and getting my glucose test.

This morning Ben tested his fasting blood glucose after I did mine. He wants to be in sympathy with my plight of pricking fingers. I think it's sweet. Anyway, he had trouble getting the hang of it and pricked his fingers four times before he could get it all to work! I'd say "poor thing" but he says it never hurt (I don't know how) and he had fun with it. What a guy.

Also, kudos to Ben from the registration clerk at Prentice. I gave his name as my emergency contact and she sent a message to him that she's impressed that he took the whole hyphenated name just like me. She says, "go women's lib!" I thought that was really nice.

Food Diary Begun

2007-10-16T13:51:00.000-07:00

Today I started my finger-prick tests and food diary in earnest. As I suspected, my recent post-meal headaches are a sign of rising blood sugar levels. Today's breakfast, where I gave in to a pumpkin donut, sent my bs levels to 160. It's supposed to be less than 120. Headache was killer. No more donuts for me. (I knew better. I just LOVE pumpkin anything.) I'll take my glucose test on Friday but I'm sure it will confirm what I've seen gradually coming all along, which is finally here--gestational diabetes. Might as well get with the program ASAP!

Venting Follow-Up, Or, Ben Is Sweet

2007-10-16T13:49:00.000-07:00

As you can imagine after I spilled my guts on the blog I took it home and had a good fight with Ben. He's been mulling it over since then, and yesterday told me that he talked to Mom and to Sheila and this coming Thursday Sheila will take Tyle in the morning, Ben will pick him up in the afternoon during his split day, and Mom wil come in the evening to be with me and help with Tyler. Isn't that great? I feel like he listened to me, and even if it's the one day, that means a lot.

Approved for "Consultation"

2007-10-15T10:00:00.000-07:00

I got news that I am approved to visit with a doctor at Prentice, and was given a most inconvenient time for an appointment Monday the 22nd at 8:30 a.m. Of course I totally took the appointment. It's just a "consultation" to see if we're a good fit. I hear this approval process is normal for getting a doctor so late in a pregnancy (thanks, Holli!) Will bring the whole family! Wish me luck!

In the meantime, this Friday I am going to meet once more with my usual doctor and spill the beans about my decision to change. I want to be honest with her, I like her, and she's been concerned about me and today called me to check on me. I don't know how she'll feel about my decision, it must be something she deals with in her professional life. Again, wish me luck. I have so much anxiety about this. Am I doing the right thing? Am I handling this the right way? Am I going to get the experience I want at Prentice? It will certainly be different. Will my current doctor be angry, and can/should I go back to her as a regular Ob/Gyn later?

Also I'm getting a 28-week glucose test on Friday. I don't want to put that off. The ultrasound follow-up I thought I'd leave to the new doc, but again, am I doing the right thing, there? Is it dangerous to wait? I just don't know. I feel so unmoored.

Waiting For Approval

2007-10-12T14:33:00.000-07:00

I called the office of a doctor recommended by a friend, and it turns out I have to wait for approval from the office manager since I'm about 28 weeks along before I can meet with any of the doctors! This really has me on pins and needles, because it's the best lead I have on a doctor at Prentice. Keep your fingers and toes crossed for me that they are not too busy to take me. There are plenty of docs in this practice, I don't see why I can't get in, I'm not especially high risk or anything. But it would be just my luck to be told "no" mysteriously. Just when I'm all excited about having a better experience at Prentice. I'm kind of annoyed I have to be approved at all. Wish me big, big luck, 'cause I'm not sure what else it takes.

A Braxton Hicks Day

2007-10-12T11:14:00.001-07:00

Every time I walk to the printer or to the editor's office the belly seizes up in one of those painless, tight, Braxton Hicks contractions today. I've been sighing all over the office today. I was in the bathroom and a gal I work with said "How're you doing, champ?" I like that: Champ. I'd like to be known as champ for the rest of the pregnancy. Makes me feel like an athelete, like a winner, like people are cheering me on. Go, Champ! Woo woo!

Murphy's Law for Pregnant Women

2007-10-12T11:12:00.000-07:00

If you bring an extra pair of undies in your bag with you, you will be fine. If you leave them home, you will leak.

Mother's Helper (And I Don't Mean Valium)

2007-10-12T11:10:00.000-07:00

Everyone is being very sweet about my venting. I have a line on three girls who want to be a Mother's Helper, too young to baby-sit alone, but old enuf to get experience and train and play with Tyle while I do around the house. Trouble is, weeknights are school nights. I almost need like a part-time pseudo-nanny type, maybe some young person in college or something, who could use some extra cash a night or two a week. Not sure how to find such a person, maybe advertise. Some elementary education student who wants to practice the ABCs on Tyler. Heh. I've got two friends willing to help sometimes but they are often busy, and I already lean on them quite a bit. I don't know. I'll keep searching, maybe I could find someone like my dream student...

Venting

2007-10-11T14:10:00.000-07:00

I'm so, so angry right now. Ben's boss is on vacation for two weeks, and instead of working days on Thursdays so he could be home with me in the evening, Ben took split days (working in the morning and the evening with the afternoon off) so that A) my mom would only have to come out for a half day since she finds looking after Tyler so tiring, and B) so that we (alternatively) don't have to pay Sheila $50 each day for a full day of daycare. So, I get screwed. He KNOWS how I feel about being home on my own while pregnant, and I've underlined it for him since. Tyler is throwing tantrums now and crying for no reason (terrrible-two's-pms) and I'm terribly fatigued. I put up with Ben working 4 nights a week plus Saturdays while I was puking 2-3 times a day, and now I'm fatigued and really not handling the tears well (I end up in tears myself), and soon enough I will have a newborn at my breast, and still I will have to do it on my own 3 nights a week plus Saturdays. Gawd. And it's not enough to say that the main library staffing decisions are leaving the Maze branch dangerously low in staff, while true. I discussed on this blog a couple months ago what that does to the library safety issues. That's not what I'm focusing on today. These two Thursdays this and next week represent my overall problem. Are we too poor to afford one more day of daycare a week? I don't believe so. Can I prove it? No, not without creating a full budget, not at the moment. Is Tyler too much for my mom for full days twice a week? Maybe. Sensitive issue. And Sheila, who has two jobs and went down by one child recently who switched to pre-school and is needing more income, is impossibly and generously holding a spot for our next baby. And as long as Tyler is part-time, there is a full-time spot for another child. While she was interviewing for another child last year, she actually told us "no" some times when we asked for extra days because if she took the other child she would need Tyler to stay part-time. So it's a possibility that she could lock us out of full-time if she fills up with other children, and then where would we be? This is a very serious issue to me. Ben works at a LIBRARY for criminy sake, not a night-shift factory or nursing job. It is not my intention to sacrifice my family life for his work. And yet he feels most valuable to the staff as an evening manager, and it's true, his boss really likes that about him. She depends on him. And it seems the more I kick and scream about this the more I just make him feel guilty about it, or defensive, which does me no good. I can't go down to the library director at the main and demand more employees. I can't force anything to change, and it just makes me scream in frustration. Where does all my anger go? At Ben, unfortunately, deservedly or undeservedly.

(Addendum: Friends and family, please don't call and yell at Ben about this. The blog is like a shared diary, about me and not meant to spread dirty laundry. This is the closest I've come to that, and I don't want to start a fight!)

Ben as the new Mia Farrow or Angelina Jolie?

2007-10-10T12:46:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt that Ben got his oft-expressed wish that we could win the lottery and he could be a stay-at-home dad with zillions of kids. We had a different house, with a screened-in porch in the back with a long table for breakfast, and a big lower floor that was full of bunk-beds. In the dream there were kids everywhere, of all ages and ethnicities, doing all kinds of activities. It was chaotic. I guess we knew of a woman (she was vaguely Latina, or should that be Hispanic?) who kept having kids and we kept adopting them all to keep them together. There were like 8! There were all kinds of kids, in addition to Tyler and a girl of our own. And I was pregnant like I am now. In the dream, I was very angry with Ben because he brought home two infants under 3 months, each with some kind of high-maintanence problem. One was a little redhead and was very fat, he could barely open his eyes. The other was a quiet little brunette boy with serious facial deformaties and I said to Ben, "We can't afford to give him surgery!" Ben said "He doesn't need surgery." I yelled "Of course he does, if we're going to be his parents we have to provide surgical help, we can't just let him grow up like that!" And he said, "All he needs is for us to love him, and he'll [magically] get better." (Ben would never say something so whifty in real life.) I was so angry I took my breakfast back out to the porch table which was by then abandoned because of the rainstorm outside. I sat and ate my cereal in the cold, windy rain, which felt good.

When I woke up I was still annoyed at Ben. I told him about it and we made a joke that is still going on. I told him "Do me one favor today: Please, please don't pick up any more babies without calling me first!" Ben refused to promise this, he said he had three more orphaniges to visit today, and that they would be disappointed. I said "Too bad, we need space between adoptions so that we can give each new baby the attention it deserves." And that I wondered if he could take one of the two new infants back, as they were more than I could handle. He said I was heartless, and that I obviously did not love our many kids as much as I should. He pretended to be telling the kids to pack up in the next room, and made me laugh, and really cheered me up this morning. And I kept thinking that actually, that little red-headed baby was awfully cute!

Tour of Prentice Women's Hospital

2007-10-09T12:37:00.000-07:00

NorthWestern built a new Prentice Women's Hospital, and it should be up and running by the end of the month. In the meantime, the only way to get a tour was to get us invited to the community open house which was on Sunday. I had no idea it would be such a party! They had white tents set up outside the new building, and local businesses had food and drink there for free, and there was a stage for entertainment and speeches. When we were there, a Beatles tribute band dressed as the be-suited fab four singing the old love songs (pre-Sgt. Pepper) played, and I regretted not bringing my mom! We had free tiramisu, Ben had fresh guacamole, we had fancy muffins and whatnot from various places, and a tea company gave out iced pumpkin chai--yum yum! We signed up for the tour and received arm bands for entry.

The tour included the whole building, not just labor & delivery. We saw the fancy entryway, where I used the bathroom (even the bathroom was beautiful--Ben's comment: of course it is) and the education center and the cafeteria where they were also having cooking classes, and the conference rooms. The first three floors are open to the public and feel more like an expensive college or high end hotel. Up from that it's patients and visitors only and turns into a hospital. The neat thing is that unlike most L&D units in hospitals, this is independant and you don't have to sort thru a maze of antiseptic halls to find it. Also, it's big, with tons of rooms, and guaranteed privacy.

We saw a surgery room, with it's fancy hi-tech equipment of which they were very proud, so if I have a C-section I'll know what to expect! Yikes. The L&D rooms were much as you'd expect, with the wood floors and big TVs and stereos and warming/cleaning station for the newborn. You have internet access and a keyboard along with the TV remote and nurse call button, so, I joked, you can blog while in labor! Ha ha. They have rooms divided into zones (I joked they should have tape on the floor) for family, patient, doc, and baby. All equipment is off to the side in the "doctor zone" so family won't trip over cords or IV lines. All rooms are around the outside of the building and you are guaranteed to see a view of the city or the lake. There's a long bench for dads to sleep over, and you can have as many people as you can stand with you.

We saw the NICU, and it's beautiful. They have breast pumps built into the wall so moms can provide milk for their preemies, and there are comfy chairs for mom to nurse in, and again, views of the city and lake. There are removable wall dividers in case you have multiples, and soft lighting and pretty blue stars on the windowed dividers and curtains. They have those fancy cubicle baby beds of course in each unit.

The L&D recovery rooms are up on another floor and again, same thing with the views. Again with the wood floors and internet access. Baby rooms in with you. Window bench for dad to sleep on again. All visitors are called up from reception and you can say "yes" or "no" and there are no visitor's hours to restrict them. Dads aren't even "visitors", they are just "in" with mom and baby. There are two lactation consultants on staff and on hand for trouble-shooting.

Drawback: Might be expensive. Plus Side: Covered by my insurance 90%. (Ben's comment: yeah, but how much will that 10% be???) Drawback: They might not let Ben follow the baby to the nursery for tests, like he was able to do with Tyler. But we got a similar answer from Loyola. Big Plus: Oooooh, if feels so good to be there! Drawback: Expensive parking. Patients & visitors can get parking validation at their lot across the street for the reduced rate of only $9--yikes! Otherwise it's $24--double...no make that triple...yikes! Loyola only costs $3. I already have one friend who says she won't drive into the city, but I hope to arrange a family carpool. If, that is, we go with Prentice. I'm all a-shiver.

More Strange Dreams

2007-10-09T12:00:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt that Buffy the Vampire Slayer took me to the ER, where she patrolled the halls while I was talking to the doc. I told the doc that I had had unprotected sex with a vampire (that wasn't actually in the dream) and that I worried that I had a second, unnatural (as in supernatural) pregnancy that had taken hold in the fallopian tube (an ectopic pregnancy) and that the second pregnancy would threaten the current, normal pregnancy. At first he wouldn't listen, and he wanted to test me for STDs, but I told him vampires have only vampirism to spread. He said "where does it hurt?" and I indicated my right side over my ovary. I told him it really hurt, and in the dream, it did. It got worse and worse. And I could feel my baby swiping at the area, pressing against the uterus. Then the dream faded. I wonder if I did have some pain in my sleep, because I woke up with some soreness.

Saturday night I dreamt I went to Loyola and had the baby there, and it was a girl with dark brown hair. It was nighttime outside and there weren't enough lights on in the hospital. I kept trying to keep the baby and get it back from the nurses who wanted to do so many tests. And in this dream my anxiety seemed to be about the breastfeeding. She had trouble latching on, and I kept trying. The baby and I sort of went all Salvador Dali in the dream, with my "girls" elongating like udders, and the baby elongating and appearing almost partly grown-up in facial aspect. She kept growing, even though I could not get her enough milk. It was very strange. She was kind of like a Taltos, if you follow the fiction of Anne Rice.

This one is not about the baby, just throwing it in here b/c it left such an impression:

Last night, after the vampire pregnancy dream, I had another dream, this time about my Grandma who passed this past summer. I was back at Grandma & Aunt Cathy's house, and I was looking at a new project my Uncle Donny was doing, building special shelves for his DVD collection, in the basement, which was morphed partly into the old house Grandma used to have in Stone Mountain. Then Poopop walks in and touches this nice old-fashioned twin bed, with intricate woodwork on the headboard and baseboard. I could smell his pipe smoke, that Poopop smell. He told me it was a great bed, sturdy and dependable, and lightweight, excellent for bringing out for guests. Then he disappeared. Grandma came and went. She was wearing pajamas and a robe, which she has worn in past dreams recently, I don't know why. For me, she was alive again. She called me "sweetie-pie" like she used to. Aunt Cherry stopped by with knitting in her hands, and I said it's such a shame we don't live nearby because Grandma and Cherry could come over for craft dates at my house. Then she was gone, and I was asking my Aunt Cathy if I could take an unfinished quilt/needlework/wall-hanging Grandma had left so I could finish it in her honor (btw, Grandma was a painter), but Aunt Cathy wasn't sure. Then I looked at it more closely and realized I could never do it, that I didn't have the skill to do it. For some reason that broke my heart, and I buried my face in it and dug my fingers into the cushy part that was made of yarn, and sobbed, saying "I can't do it, I can't do it." In the dream I woke up from the dream, realizing that Grandma and Poopop were gone, and Ben was holding me, and I sobbed and sobbed while he ran his fingers though my hair. Then I woke up for real, feeling a great sadness, and Ben was asleep.

Fatigue Is My Middle Name

2007-10-04T13:09:00.001-07:00

I just can't seem to shake this terrible fatigue. Even my arms are tired and sore. All I ever want to do is lie down. And I don't see other moms being as short of breath or as tired as I am. What gives?

Changes Might Be Challenging for Big Brother

2007-10-04T11:19:00.001-07:00

Recently our glider (a type of rocking chair) Tyler affectionately calls "Tylo blue chair!" broke down. The gliding mechanism is metal, and the upstanding pole that meets the base of the chair severed itself right off. I took the sharp base-half to hide it in my closet, and Tyler chased me all the way crying and carrying on about his blue chair. We have to get a new one (will do a different construction this time) and I doubt it will be blue. Poor kid. I'm just not sure what to do for him. He has to learn about change, or loss, of things that break. He also has to deal with my moving furntiture around for the new baby...

A few days ago emptied the toys out and put the top half back on our pack-n-play, turning it from a toddler size playpen back to a size for a newborn, including the changing table attachment. We used this for Tyler's downstairs digs when he was just born and when I had just given birth and wasn't supposed to do stairs for awhile. Tyler was very upset when I put the parts back on the pack-n-play. He tried to rip it back off, crying "bed! bed!" Since he knows he can sleep in a pack-n-play, he doesn't want this one changed. (He noticed later that I finished it when he wasn't looking, and he's coping okay.)

Makes me wonder about the other changes I have planned. Our bedroom won't be all toys anymore, it will have the bassinett again, and a new rocking chair. Eventually he'll also get his new toddler bed set up in his room. Changes, changes. I'll be as gentle as I can, but he'll have to work through it, I guess.

Loyola L&D Unit Tour

2007-10-03T10:10:00.000-07:00

Last night we toured the labor & delivery unit at Loyola Medical Center. As far as the facilities go, the look of the halls and rooms, it's not much different from West Sub. Big rooms, wood floors, private shower, stereo, etc. It's a maze to find the unit, of course. Similar policies, such as 2 people with you while you labor, dads can sleep over, you labor and deliver in the same room then get a recovery room, where newborns room in with you. Drawbacks: Recovery rooms have two beds, so you might get a roommate. They are also not as firm a "yes" about dads following the baby to the nursery and to tests, just a conditional "yes." Improvements include special wing and on-call teams for high-risk moms, a special NICU one level up with an on-call team that promises to rush down the stairs and be there for any risky deliveries within 30 to 60 seconds, and two fully-staffed lactation consultants that make daily rounds and who can be requested if you are having any trouble. They also have a Ronald McDonald House where families can stay if your baby or child is admitted and you want to stay nearby.

Next week: Prentice Women's Hospital.

Something Nice To Distract From The Nightmare

2007-10-01T12:42:00.001-07:00

I nice moment yesterday afternoon: I watched Tyler on my own while Ben went door to door to get signatures on his Al Gore petition. I decided Tyler could open his last birthday present, this one from the boy next door. It was a set of 5 matchbox-car trucks, including a street cleaner, a snow plow, a garbage truck, a sanitation/water truck, and an asphalt road roller. He was pretty excited--his first small matchbox trucks! He also liked the froggy card w/ eyes that wiggle when you shake the card. After a snack where Tyler tried to feed cottage cheese to the garbage truck, I was tired and laid down on the couch. Tyler, who likes company, came over and lined the trucks up on my round tummy. Some of them would slide off sometimes. The trucks went "vroom vroom vroom" down my legs. Then Tyler crawled up (which involved much poking of the baby, who kicked back!) and laid down alongside me, with big grins to me and pronouncements about "stumby" (his nickname for the baby/my tummy) and the various trucks and, one of his top subjects, our eyes. If he weren't such a wiggle worm I would gladly have had him there with me always.

Warning: This One Is A Nightmare

2007-10-01T11:57:00.000-07:00

This one is pretty awful, kind of horror-movie. So you may want to skip this entry.

I'm at work, and my boss Steve tells me that there is going to be a prisoner exchange with these terrorists, and he needs volunteers. That it'll be temporary and just for the publicity. I go with a group, me with my big belly and Tyler bundled up against my chest protectively and a big coat. I try to be friendly and talk to the terrorists but it doesn't work. We are taken out to the woods and are given the choice between crawling down into a muddy hole with water dripping in under a cover where I'd be left alone but have to fend off rats, cholera, and starvation, or to more of a prison but where I might not be treated well. I take the prison, we all do, and we travel by bus. I get there to realize we're being handed off to WWII era Nazi's, and first they take my coat b/c it's valuable. I had been kind of hiding Tyler under it and feel vulnerable. Then I'm taken to this crazy woman, who is experimenting surgically on babies. She wants to work on Tyler and is disappointed he's not a girl, but writes a date of surgery on him, on his arm in pen, and on me, too. In the dream I'm expecting a girl, and the crazy lady surgeon, (whose personality would remind of you Drusilla on the Buffy series, except she looks like Becky, the VP of Editorial here at work who last year died of cancer), wants to manipulate the baby in utero to achieve some kind of result only she understands. I am told to go rest for the night and am sent to a ward with mutilated babies in basinettes and another mom and baby pair who have been driven insane by the treatments. I'm horrified and am thinking desperately of escape or murder/suicide. I lay down, sleepless, but wake up to realize she'd drugged me and dressed me and Tyler in matching red velvet party dresses. He has also been moved away from me into one of the basinettes. I go to him and again contemplate murder/suicide, specifically suffocation, and begin to cry.

At this point I wake up terrfied, at about 3:30 last night. I was up for about an hour and a half just trying to forget the nightmare, checking on Tyler in his crib, feeling the baby move in my tummy, sitting with a light on and reading a book.

I don't have a gut feeling about what this one is about, as I often do about dreams. It would make more sense if the crazy lady had been my doctor because then it would easily be about how I feel about the pregnancy and it's medicalization. Instead they were characters from work. The fear of something going wrong/being threatened in the pregnancy is clear enuf in the dream and relatively normal. But then I do not know why Tyler was also put into danger. And it was truly awful to have the only way out, as a mother, to end it all and take them with me. It still is really awful to think of it. Perhaps it means that I am feeling some degree of powerlessness right now concerning my mothering as well as my pregnancy. That would fit well enough, with Ben working evenings and my growing physical limitations with caring for Tyler, getting to him quickly or climbing stairs are both hard, for instance.

This is a highly personal blog, and I hope no-one is freaked out by spooky entries like this one!

This Dream Makes No Sense

2007-09-28T08:05:00.000-07:00

This one is really weird:

Okay so last night I dreamed I was due to give birth, and we were at the hospital, but Ben and I didn't want to do the induction thing again, so we left against doctor's orders. There was a weird sequence where I took a shower in a big shower room shared with other women in the hospital, and it was really nice and comforting, but did not get the labor going (why would it I don't know). So anyway, we went out to this park and friends came by to say "hi." My best friend since junior high, Jennifer, shows up but she's in some kind of bondage outfit and a dominatrix has her on a leash and won't let me hug her. I notice her car keys on the ground and try to serrupticiously drop them in her pocket but miss, and the dominatrix gets them. Then I notice a tall, handsome Asian man, probably Japanese, with long long gorgeous black hair and suddenly he kidnaps me from the park. Ben and the police try to find us but he's taken me to a theater, a really nice one, in his home, where people are watching a film. Some kind of educational documentary. Everyone there is Japanese. I hold a small child on my lap for a while, who embarrasses himself by messing his pants (in an adult way-ahem), but I clean him up and tell him "good job!" so he won't feel so badly about it. My kidnapper is attentive and wants me to stay with him forever, but I want to get back to Ben and Tyler. He doesn't care that I'm pregnant, he says we can raise the child together. He wants to be intimate but, even tho he's very attractive, I resist him. Besides, I'm huge with pregnancy. Then I go into labor. The contractions aren't too bad yet. I distract him by making out with him a little bit, also as a sympathy prize because I tell him I need the hospital and I won't stay with him. He lets me go, but doesn't help me to find Ben. I walk out, not knowing where I am, and in labor to boot. Somehow I find Ben and I cry on his shoulder about my abduction, but I refuse to press charges. We go back to the hospital to have the baby but then I am woken up from the dream.

Rush the Smelling Salts

2007-09-24T14:23:00.001-07:00

Well yesterday I had a scare when my heart started pounding and refused to stop, and I got dizzy. It would get a little better and then come back. Hit me in the late afternoon and went all night, and it was uncomfortable. Thought about the ER, even! Read up on preeclampsia for a good scare in the What To Expect book, and blamed my blood pressure.

Course I rush to the doctor's today and they tell me my bp is normal! Sheesh. (I mean, it's a little high but with the medication I'm taking, Aldomet, it's normal.) It's still going on today, of course. They say it's because my blood has doubled by now and some pregnancies you can feel it like this, almost like heart palpitations, they say. And yes, that's what it feels like. And when you lie still, you can feel the blood rushing thru your body.

What to do to alleviate this? Drink more water. Stand up slowly, don't rush around. Be very very strict with caffeine and salt. That's about it.

I'm not pleased but their descriptions fit what I'm feeling. I wish I had more comfort measures for this!

Dreaming of the Baby (A Dream Journal)

2007-09-17T09:31:00.000-07:00

I've begun to dream about the baby. I should have shared the first one when it happened, because now I don't remember the exact day it was, but I think it was just last week.

Dream 1 (last week):

I'm going through the labor, and it's a boy! He has brown hair and very round eyes and chubby cheeks. One problem: his foreskin is attached to his abdomen and has to be corrected. They say his penis is underdeveloped and offer surgery to make him a girl. I don't like the idea. I'm holding him and talking to him, he's beautiful.

Dream 2 (end of last week):

It's a girl! My mother and a group of aunts disapprove of my name choice, however, and write in a name of their choice on the birth certificate. I discover this after being home, and make a trip back to the hospital to try to catch the paperwork before it gets sent to the county. The women are following me, trying to talk me out of it. In the entrance I'm caught up in some kind of line of people however that turns out to be a jury duty line, and no-one believes me that I'm not on jury duty and some bouncers force me to stay. The judge in charge turns out to be a vampire queen and I have to do battle with her. At this point I learn I have super powers and can fly. I fly up to her secret hideout in the rafters of the building and steal her diary. In a big battle worthy of the Spiderman movies, the vampire queen traps me in a net over the building because she's learned my secret flying ability, and captures me and weighs me down. Turns out they have a friend of mine in custody who betrayed me to them, and they've cut his legs off at the knees, and are thinking of doing it to me. I get a visit from the group of family women (who are caring for the baby in my absence) and this time Grandma is with them. (This is the Grandma Guest I just lost.) Grandma is so vibrant! She shines, in a bright red sweater, and shining silver hair and flushed cheeks. I slip the diary to her and urge her in whispers not to tell a soul, but take it to a newspaper and police out of town since the local authorities are in the vampire queen's pocket. I wake up missing Grandma terribly. And mysteriously frustrated with my mom.

Dream 3 (last night):

It's a girl, again! But she is premature. She's so tiny, so precious, thin and fetal-looking but also very beautiful. I'm so proud and I am holding her and feeding her with a special dropper/bottle thing. She is so delicate. I'm just all aglow. I'm going to bring her to work to show her off to my coworkers, and when I get in the car the new regulations are that she rides in a little basket outside the car window (perhaps a better way of showing "baby on board"??). I worry about her and reach over to her little hand while driving, and it is so little and fine-featured and soft... But she reacts to my touch and wiggles, and the wind catches her and throws her up against the window. So I'm trying to lower the window, slow the car while in traffic, and grab her and bring her inside the car safely, all at the same time. I wake up in a cold sweat of anxiety.

Dream 4 (after falling back asleep last night after the last dream):

Ben and I are getting ready for bed, we're living in the house I grew up in, in Decatur Illinois. Suddenly we remember that we were supposed to report to the hospital for me to be induced that afternoon at 3pm, and we're hours late! We rush around trying to pack, and I can't find anything. I'm searching for my robe, and the baby clothes I've picked to take to the hospital. Ben is looking for the infant car seat. We wake my mom, who is living in a room across the hall. Suddenly the lights go out. I can't tell if I'm blind or if there's just no light. In every room I flip the switch and nothing happens. I panic.

In-Law's Visit Spoiling Me

2007-09-17T09:20:00.000-07:00

Mike and Madalen have been here to stay and it's been spoiling me. They play with Tyler and he just loves them, while I can do dishes or sit and watch, it's great. Mike carries Tyler upstairs for me for diaper changes, and takes him out for walks and to the park while Madalen and I rest and bond. It's been a great weekend. Lots of great talks and sharing about parenting, politics, books, everything. And I haven't really had to cook at all, they've been so gracious about my muffle-headed dinner planning! We haven't even really gone out anywhere or done anything particularly special or touristy, just been together, which was perfect.

Adding to the Fun

2007-09-14T09:05:00.000-07:00

Adding to the fun, we now welcome charlie-horses, further joint loosening, carpal tunnel acting up, and lesser lung capacity. Returning stars to the show are heart burn, nose-bleeds, morning dry heaves, peeing when I sneeze, headaches, and insomnia.

Just thought the world would want to know. Heh.

P.S. The charlie-horses are really weird. I had them in my feet, even! All over! I'm doing stretches to help soothe weird spots, like back of thighs and butt muscles! Well, it's weird to me, anyway.

P.P.S. The Metamusil is working. Just thought you couldn't live without knowing that. Heh heh heh.

Making Moves on Other Hospitals

2007-09-11T12:31:00.000-07:00

Okay, we have appointments to tour the labor & delivery units at Loyola and at Prentice Women's Hospital in the city. Both L&D units boast two on-staff lactation consultants, and I've spoken to one of each set about the kind of care I can expect at each place. I do think however that I want my own consultant hired privately, someone to do housecalls. The lact consults seem great, but they claim to have trained the nurses for initial bedside help, and that was the case last time, and I had a terrible time with all the nurses giving conflicting instructions. So "the nurses are great" doesn't cut it with me. And I might still do a doula. There is an Oak Park doula who comes highly recommended, and has an impressive website, but her big thing is hypnotherapy for a drug-free birth. But remembering the extreme pain doesn't encourage me that hypnosis is going to work. And I'm gettin' that epidural I've no doubt. A friend's doula does massage therapy, and that's much more my speed. I'm calling her next. (Thanks Amanda!) Thinking back over my experience at West Sub, it would have been nice to have an advocate to step in for us when Ben and I were dealing with all that was happening. I have one recommendation for a doc at Prentice, and she is covered by my insurance. I have a list of docs that deliver at Loyola that are covered too, but no recommendations yet. I see the same one that delivered Tyler on the list--not the one I'm seeing now, but at the same practice, who was the one on call when I finally got to pushing. I'm not sure about her. She's not much different from the doc I've got now. I don't know yet if doulas or lactation consultants are covered by my insurance. If not, this might be an expensive birthing.

A Plague of Headaches

2007-09-11T12:24:00.000-07:00

As I remember last time the headaches cleared as soon as I got a hold on my diet and sugar intake for gestational diabetes. I've had the same headache, sometimes fading then coming back each day or several times a day, since last Saturday. I don't mean this past weekend, I mean a full week ago. Yesterday, after eating an individual pizza, it spiked so bad my teeth hurt. Today is better so far. Being more careful. I think it's time to start the finger prick and food diary routine. And let the doc do another GD test.

I've been obsessed with pizza. But I remember last time pizza was one thing that always sent my numbers skyrocketing. Anyway, think I will have to make it by hand with whole wheat crust and sugar free tomato sauce. Like I do my pasta sauce. When will I have time for such cooking? The pasta sauce I do in a big batch and freeze. Possibly the blandest, most boring sauce on the planet, but I love it. And so does Tyler!

Terrible Two's Officially Begin

2007-09-10T21:00:00.000-07:00

We celebrated Tyler's 2nd birthday on Sunday, which began with a full-out screaming tantrum. He didn't want to change his diaper or get dressed, he wanted to go straight from crib upstairs to juice and waffles downstairs. Threw himself on the floor, crying for the waffles, wouldn't listen to negotiation or reason, kicked and screamed right off the changing table. It was amazing.

Next poor kid got his hand accidentally smooshed in a baby gate (I've never felt so guilty!) and it took him all morning to recover. Very moody, and he talked about the bad gate for a long time. After a long nap his hand appeared normal and he used it fine and seemed emotionally recovered.

Nana and Gampa's arrival boosted his spirits and he was pleased to pronounce Michelle's name properly over lunch. And he loved the carrot cake I made him (just like the cake Pooh and Rabbit share). However, it took only about 4 presents for him to totally lose it again.

He was so sweet, actually shaking with excitement opening presents, when he'd see a new construction vehicle toy under the wrapping paper, and do a little anxious dance while Daddy-O extracted the items from their vice-like boxes. But as each new toy presented a new challenge: the train cars unsnap from each other when he picks it up ("broken! ahhhhh!"); the bulldozer scoop won't stay down on the ground... as each time he was frustrated or couldn't get something to work on the first try he spiralled step by step down into a kind of toddler mania. I mean, we were there helping him, explaining things and showing him like we usually do, but he still grew very upset. At the end he was beside himself--playing with the bulldozer made him cry, me taking the bulldozer and hiding it made him cry. Finally a walk around the block with Daddy-O and Gampa calmed him down, sans toys of any kind!

FYI, Monday, his actual birthday, was great. Very low key, and he worked with his new toys with equinimity, and played with his Daddy-O on the floor while I fixed dinner. Very sweet, very domestic bliss. So there's that.

But, man, Sunday. That was rough. I was tearful myself. I cried about smashing his hand. I cried about not getting the house clean enough, about feeling incapable of doing much in my state. I cried that guests were late, and no other children came (tho I suspect that was a good thing in the end), and cried that I didn't give Tyler a proper party in my effort to keep attendance extremely low and stress-free (as compared to his traumatic big bash last year). I really have to wonder if, had I not been pregnant, would I have been able to handle all this much better. My guess is that yes, I could have. I ended up crying that I should have waited longer to have another baby, for Tyler's sake. That I'm in no condition to cope with a child throwing tantrums and getting moody. That I'm doing him a disservice.

I feel better today. As does Tyler. And in my head I know perfectly well that Tyler is a fine age to get a little brother or sister, that his frustrations and tantrums are completely normal (I read up on it), and that it's better to get through all of this, get the baby-making over with, and once I have the baby I will eventually regain my composure, and it will be great to have an addition to the family and all of this will be worth it.

What really amazes me is Ben's calm nature and ability to soothe and take charge when his family is just falling apart in tears around him. In a crisis there is no-one better. He is my rock, and a great boon to Tyler, who responds to him and is calmed and reassured by him and I think feels very secure to have a parent to be solid and unruffled by a tantrum. He's good for him. And I'm so grateful.

I'd lose my head otherwise. And I'm not sure I haven't already lost my head anyway! "Maybe that's not her head..." (yes, that's TMBG!)

Sleepus Interruptus

2007-09-06T08:36:00.000-07:00

I'm just totally dead today. All week I can't get enough sleep. I put Tyler to bed at 8, then go to bed myself, and my alarm at 6:30 a.m. I keep sleeping through. I get up at least once to pee, and often lay awake for an hour with insomnia afterwards. Sometimes my left hip aches and wakes me. I drink a lot of water all night, waking up parched. It's exhausting! I'm afraid I wasn't very impressive in a meeting this morning at work. I can't think very well thru this headache, and my left hip is still in peices, sending pain down my left leg. And I keep tearing up for no apparent reason.

Wow, reading this back, this sounds terrible. Oh, well. I may take off the afternoon and lie down.

Ultrasound Photos Finally Ready

2007-09-05T12:25:00.001-07:00

This link will take you to the spot on my blog where I've been meaning to place the ultrsounds photos:

Click on this text to see the 20-week ultrasound photos

Order Wrong, Now Starving

2007-09-05T12:09:00.000-07:00

Okay so I'm a spoiled American. But I had a craving and went by the Taco Bell drive-through for a bean burrito with extra cheese and added sour cream. Yeah, yeah, I know it's not healthy. Anyway, I get back to work and there's no cheese and no sour cream, but a 30 cent charge for each listed on the receipt!!! I'm going to cry. I cannot leave work to get it fixed. After work I must go straight to day-care to get Tyler and that's no joke. Shall I save the cold burrito and receipt for tomorrow for a new one? Is that crazy? What if I don't want another tomorrow? Do I demand my 60 cents back, spending just as much in gas just to go over there? Man, I tell you. It was this way with the first pregnancy. World, let me tell you this: if you see a pregnant woman ordering food in your establishment, you'd better get it right, if you don't want to cause a tearful, broken-hearted or angry response in your admitedly crazy patron. Okay? So cut it out. Put the freakin' cheese and sour cream on the thing in the first place!!!!!

Lovely Labor Day Weekend

2007-09-04T12:19:00.000-07:00

Had a great weekend just doing family things. Biking turned out fine, guess I have to be farther along to worry about that. Tho it was tiring and I didn't get too far--maybe 4 miles. Took Tyler everywhere, biking, out to eat with friends, over to Nana & Gampa's, out and about in Oak Park. And the best part was that I had Ben with me the whole time! He is such a great helpmate with Tyler, and changed almost every diaper this weekend!

Tyler Has Named Baby

2007-09-01T11:27:00.000-07:00

Tyler now regularly checks my growing belly, pats it, and says hello. I'm still not so sure he understands that there's a baby in there, but he has a nickname of his own for whatever-it-is in there: Scumby, or sometimes Scumbly. Isn't that cute???

Found Cute Winter Bunting for January Newborn

2007-08-31T13:15:00.000-07:00

Since the baby will come in January, just in time for the colder, snowier winter months, we want something warm to wrap the baby in. Especially for taking her home from the hospital. I won't go out much during my maternity leave, but I do want to be able to go over to Nana and Gampa's house or to a friends house at some point! I got a Carter's fleece bunting with enclosed feet, a protected zipper, and hood. It's off-white and fuzzy, with a taupe bear on it and taupe striped knit fabric lining and ears on the hood. I found some soft, fuzzy yarn in off-white and taupe to crochet some mittens for her hands and a cap. It's so cute, and it's lovely to touch!

Ultrasound Pics Copyrighted?

2007-08-31T10:37:00.000-07:00

Suddenly Walgreens doesn't want me to scan in any more ultrasound photos, b/c they are "professional photos." I argued with the woman b/c it doesn't make any sense to me. I got them from the doctor's office, not a studio that holds copyright! I remembered afterward that there are some new fancy ultrasound places that offer photos that aren't doctor's offices at all, I drove by one recently. But that's not my case at all! I've been to three Walgreens over the past 2 weeks and they ALL have had technical difficulties with their computers, so something is going on beyond the copyright issue, this is the first time that's been the problem. Up until now it's been apologies that my scans were lost mysteriously in the computer. It's frustrating, but I'm not giving up. I cried like an angry baby after I left Walgreens, but that's hormones. I can try again somewhere else, or I can get them scanned in at work. That's probably what I'll do.

You Are What You Eat

2007-08-30T13:32:00.000-07:00

If Tyler was a Jimmy John's veggie sub, then this baby is a sandwich from Panera Bread Co. Specifically, a Mediterranean Veggie with red peppers, lettuce, tomato, cuccumbers, swiss substituted for the feta, no onions, and basil-mayo spread, on tomato basil bread. Yum yum. This goes excellent with the southwest roasted corn and tomato soup, made better by sprinkling on a little shredded cheese. I eat this so often that they all know me over at the local Panera!

Don't Worry

2007-08-30T10:40:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling more "up" today, and determined to get things done and take charge! We're going to get a new doc and hospital, let them do a new ultrasound (I guess a follow-up to look more closely at heart and organs is not that unusual) which they'll probably want, and go on from there afresh. I've had two separate people recommend the exact same doula to me and to Ben, so I'm going to call her. Also it's time to start investigating a lactation consultant, tho I hear you can get a two for one on that w/ the doula. So please don't worry.

More Tests Scare . . . Again

2007-08-29T07:54:00.000-07:00

So I got a call this morning from my doctor, who received the report from the 20 week ultrasound. She said one thing they found was what they call something like "coreoplastocysts" (I'm positive I'm spelling it wrong), which, as she explained it, are cysts around the brain where brain fluid comes from (whatever that means) and which is "very common and usually doesn't mean anything" but that when they take into account the results from my last tests she/they think that "something could be going on" (huh?). Also they didn't get as good a look at the heart as they'd usually like (how did that happen? I remember seeing the heart plainly myself) and they recommend further testing. Specifically a fetal echo ultrasound to examine the heart, which she recommends we get at Northwestern where the technology is better (what?) and they can also get a better look at the cysts and other organs they'd like to peek at more clearly. She says when there I can chat with one of their maternal-fetal specialists. And of course she brought up amniocentesis again and the spectre of downs syndrome, altho without any apparent basis. (None of the usual 7 markers for downs that they look for in the ultrasound.)

As usual this smacks of the usually-normal-but-you-never-know reasoning that we've been getting all along. And Ben and I don't want any more testing unless it is necessary. I'm upset and Ben is downright angry. Ben says she is fear mongering. I suspect she is following procedures, that the medical establishment has the fear mongering worked in automatically. But she's going right along with the program. We want a second opinion and we want someone who can help us to make sense of these things.

And I just feel overwhelmed. I go back and forth between happy expectancy and dreamy baby window-shopping, to deep anxiety and a feeling of being . . . lost. And I just last night saw this program that explained how anxiety in the mother releases chemicals that effect the emotional development of the baby, and of the heart/blood pressure's development (as the fight-or-flight chemicals initiate an artificial racing of the baby's heart). I suspect this is doing more harm than good. But how do I calm down? Maybe tears will give the baby some endorphins. I don't know.

This has firmed up my resolve to change doctors and hospitals and attitudes of the caregivers as well. Maybe I need a midwife and a doula. But I've got to act now. And I don't know. I've got bills to pay, projects to keep up with at work, repairs to do at home, and a toddler to chase. Never mind the constant state of our dishes and other chores that never get done and contribute to my feeling of chaos and not being in control of anything. I've got to get over this and think straight. I've got to focus. How to focus . . .

I've got a couple of friends to call, who went through similar things. One of them very much so, and put a stop to the testing. Maybe she can help me get my head on straight, give me some reassurance. I am half way through my pregnancy. It's time to make it a better experience than it has been. It's just not right, how it's been.

Feels Like Seven Months, Not Five

2007-08-27T11:55:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I popped early and that's normal. But I now feel like my hips and pelvis are barely joined and have to walk and sleep carefully. Ben is starting to help me to sit up or stand up sometimes. I don't remember these things happening so early last time. I wonder if I'm in for a bumpy ride later on. I feel like my stomach is just so huge already, and it's getting to where I need a depends just to sneeze! (Tee hee hee.) The other night, late, I was comforting a tearful Tyler and once I'd put him back in his crib and felt the cooler air on me, I realized I was leaking!!!!! In response to his tears, of course. I feel I'm a little more ready for baby than I ought to be!